 | revelations and confessions of the spiritually enlightened
Current mood:  enlightened i went to confession on monday morning. i was nervous and excited. there are some things you just don't talk about and i was going to talk about them for the first time to a priest. yipes. it's funny because several people tried to "coach" me on what to say and what not to say during confession. but i decided i'd say what was in my heart. not hold anything back.
Psalm 9:11 says, "Those who honor your name trust in you; you never forsake those who seek you, Lord."
So that's what I went with... trust in Him. Interesting that that is the passage for 9:11 and then to think about what happened on 9-11 at the WTC. God bless those souls.
Anyway, the priest did not judge at all...which was amazing in itself. He said something I really took to heart... any time you separate part of your life away from God, there is probably Sin. And that's true. We are intellectual beings. We try to overlook, to find excuses to rationalize, to justify. And there is no such thing as sin without knowledge. I like this because it's a good measure of what I'm doing in life. Am I separating? Or am I whole?
This year has been so full of revelation. Hard stuff to face sometimes, but also very healing. In RCIA class we've been talking about relationships and marriage and sex. Sometimes uncomfortable topics.
I was a virgin. And when I was 18 years old, I was raped. I don't write this for you to feel bad for me or for any pity. Unfortunately this stuff happens. It sucks, but we live through it. And there are many worse things in the world than this.
I really did believe before then that I wouldn't have sex until I was engaged. And then innocence was completely lost. I tried to make it okay. And so I stayed in an abusive relationship because I was supposed to marry whomever I had sex with, right? What I didn't realize immediately is that that night I separated into two halves: the emotional, spiritual being who was me, and a body or shell that was my form. Very rarely did I allow those two halves come together. And over the years, the walls around my emotional life built up and thickened. No one would really ever know the true me.
Of course, this had many negative side affects that I am only now beginning to unwind. Sure, I was "protected", but also cut off from true emotion and true love. I freely talk about "things", am very organzied and planned. Spontenaetity that originates in the lower chakras which hold our base emotions and instincts was supressed. My muscles physically tighten around my body in emotional situations causing my voice to become pinched and the pitch higher than my natural voice. Resonance is lost. I sound shallow... and probably am, because I can't let anyone really see the true emotion. So I have developed this shallower layer that only hints at emotion so I don't seem "cold."
So now I go to church. And we talk about physical intimacy being a true expression of love, trust, commitment. I am working with an Alexander Tech teacher and a Voice teacher to free my inner self. To eliminate the physical habits my body has come to accept as correct - how I hold my head, my posture, constriction in the throat, neck and shoulders. I am re-learning how to trust...to REALLY trust, not just seem like I am trusting. Re-learning how to access my emotions and express them truthfully, deeply. And trying to bring my whole being into communion with God.
It is truly amazing how one violent act 12 years ago has affected my life. And all this time I really thought I was okay. And I AM okay. I survived. I am surviving. And sometimes that's all we can do. I re-read my about me section and I wrote "I tend to love a lot"...and that's true. I do love a lot...I love people the way I have always wanted to be loved...but I just wouldn't let anyone love me. I've cared for people and taken care of people all to avoid taking care of me or allowing anyone to do those same things for me. Wow. But the combination of opening myself up artistically, vocally, spiritually, emotionally... I finally feel like I'm discovering who I am again. I am finally returning to "whole". And allow feelings of love IN too...
I am forgiven. And the weight on my shoulders that I never really recognized before seems lifted. My penance is to read daily passages in the bible about trust, relationships, marriage, faithfulness. I enjoy reading them.
I don't know if this piece helps anybody. Or brings them closer to God. Or helps them heal. But it helps me. To write about these life changing experiences...it inspires me and excites me. After 30 years...to finally get to know myself and ALLOW myself to be me. Allow myself to feel. To be less neurotic, less stressed, less self conscious, less aware. To be truly open to the spectrum of emotions. And most of all love. Feeling love, this TRUE love, is unreal. An experience I never knew I was missing and never truly thought I'd have.
It's a process...it's not an overnight thing...but I feel and see progress and I'm happier every day. My acting...artistic expression..is greatly improved and opportunity is flowing. Who knew it was so hard to have an open heart? But isn't it an amazing experience. And I thank God for helping me get here. |
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