 | did you kill him?
Current mood:  fascinated so after only four weeks of grueling rehearsals, buried child opened last night. i have to write about it because this experience will never happen again. i sat backstage listening to the excitement rolling in from the audience. friends and family all out to support our opening. my first truly large, driving role at atsf (a place that is my home and family)... and quite frankly, a role i thought would be a cinch to do when i was my cocky old "know-it-all" self and then turned into a role i realized was way way way over my head.
rehearsals... what i remember? whipping myself with a belt until i bruised, gagging myself, slapping my arms with a wire hanger. just to get my emotions going. breaking down. tears and snot. thinking i'd never be able to act. what is this passion of mine? a joke? a cruel joke... something i love but can't do? the patience and belief and cruel spoken truths from my director and great friend. late nights. joy and pain and fear and laughing. every emotion one can experience. i did. tearing open my soul. admitting my faults. admitting my weaknesses. self loathing. depression.
and then knowing deep deep down there was still a tiny spark inside me. seeing, really seeing, my fellow actors. everything comes from them. watch how jack grips his blanket. see the pain in dean's eyes and how he strokes the rabbit fur coat. really see all that. respond listen... but not just hear. listen with eyes and nose and mouth and intuitive impulse and emotion. the relentless faith of both directors. diving into the script. discovering. uncovering truth.
the role... still above my head. but i'm growing into it. it's stretched me more than i thought possible and i'll stretch even more. and the show.. it's good! it will get better. the story is being told and every night more is discovered. more gels. it's funny. it's heart wrenching. it's sad. it's hopeful. it's nostaligic. it's a journey.
last night. i just let it all go. i had fun. i didn't worry about what my next line was. or where i was supposed to be on the stage. it was all there. i just had to trust it. and the other actors gave my the answers.
so humbling. so so humbling. acting is f*cking hard work. and i absolutely love it. so i'll keep working. and i'll never forget this experience. and i hope i remember all these details when it is my turn to teach. and i'm excited to keep working on this role. and i'm excited to try the next one after that to work through a smoother process now that i'm truly starting to understand. and i'm even excited to go through all the torture over and over to tell the story. all those things chris said are finally making sense. this play, this story, my soul, this is my gift to you out there.
and so the lights went up. and the show went on. and new experiences were born each second. and i get to do it all over again tonight. what an amazing life i lead.
and thank you so much to those friends who supported me and shared in this once in a lifetime experience. |
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