Friday, November 30, 2007
 | Spiritual Journey and Love
So I've been on a spiritual journey. I am going through the confirmation process at St. Ignatius church...actually I go through my Rite of Acceptance this Sunday! In this process, I have done a lot of praying and also started reading some different texts. A good friend of mine gave me The Restless Heart: Finding Our Spiritual Home in Times of Loneliness, by Ronald Rolheiser. And then I happened to read a post of some work put out by the Light Omega group (The Mindful Heart, which I couldn't find on their website, but another I read that is similar is at http://www.lightomega.org/Ind/Pure/the-Hearts-Journey.html). The Restless Heart examines Loneliness from many different perspectives. But the ultimate conclusion is that people are lonely because we're built this way. God created this longing so we could find Him. Loneliness is a good thing, it's an indicator that we are REAL. But it can be a dangerous thing if not handled appropriately (alcohol, drugs, unhealthy sexual relationships, unhealthy relationships in general). And then the readings from Light Omega talk about Love and how we have an endless capacity for Love. The author talked about how falling in love is so wonderful because it opens us up to the experience of Love, but it also can be dangerous because we tend to limit ourselves in loving just one person or a chosen few instead of expanding our understanding to match our true Love capacity. And we limit ourselves in Love because we want to protect ourselves...when really if we opened fully to the potential, we'd be much happier and have a fuller life. So I feel like I am a really open person. I never thought there was a limit to love. I try to love everyone all the time. But what do you do about the hurt? Through the spiritual exercises I"m going through at church, it's much easier...and maybe if I keep on this path I'll reach that limitless fullness. And in the meantime, I'm not going to drink....because the demons seem to come out then. The demons of doubt. I question everything. I want a logical, reasonable answer for everything and want everything to make sense. But the bottom line is, things don't always make sense. That's why we have faith. And of course then I get a million opinions from people pulling me this way and that way, reinforcing the fact that things don't make sense...it's overwhelming and confusing. Oh, what to do!?!? Am I being tricked into painful situations because I believe Love is the way? Do I throw out the advise to protect myself? Do I actually like being hurt? Every time I try to leave you pull me back to you like an annoying, mystical, thrilling magnet; and there we are together again, painfully, joyfully, tenderly and harshly together and I wait for my heart to break again again again. Thank God I'm on vacation soon...by myself and away from all the voices and maybe I can return to some sort of center. The heart rises No longer separate, it has found its way home. Let Thy wish become my desire, let Thy will become my deed; let Thy word become my speech, Beloved, and let Thy love become my creed. Let my plant bring forth Thy flowers, let my fruits produce Thy seed. Let my heart become Thy lute, Beloved, and my body Thy flute of reed. -A Sufi Song |
confused 
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