ashes ashes we all fall down

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

ashes ashes we all fall down It's Ash Wednesday... my first as an (almost) Catholic. Father Jim said "Turn away from sin and be faithful to the word of the Gospel." All night during mass I was feeling the goose bumps I get whenever I'm in mass. It's a sense of awe. That the Holy Spirit is there. A reminder that my Guardian Angels and those who have passed before me are there with me. Every time I go up to take communion, I come close to tears...and sometimes some actually slip out. I can't actually take the sacrament yet, so I just get blessed, but it's still overwhelming. Awe-inspiring. I didn't know what to expect when I received the mark of the cross in ashes on my forehead. I knew what the priest would say because we learned it in class, but I had no idea what it would actually be like. It was terrifying! Literally put the fear of God into me. The whole mass was somber and serious. Reflective. I'm a good person. I know that. I'm honest. I don't lie. (I'd be a great Aes Sedai). I try to live a good life. But I'm not perfect. Not by a long stretch. Recently I went through a majorly traumatic breakthrough that changed the way I viewed the last 12 years of my life. The shock of realization put me into an almost zombie like state for a week. But I feel the healing starting already. I have to go to the sacrament of Reconcilation (confession) before I am confirmed at the Easter Vigil...I'm terrified. But also excited. I am very happy I decided to begin this journey. Church is good for me. I silently send up prayers for those I've inadvertantly hurt...I'm not sure I've ever hurt anyone on purpose...but there have been casualties along the way, and pray to find forgiveness for those who have hurt me. And pray receive help and guidance to live a good and faithful life. And I meditate on the current state of my life, and the flows that are being weaved, the endless opportunities. And I say thank you. Things are rarely easy....and most of the time, times are trying and complicated...but there is a rainbow always. A new beginning. A new path. That is what 2008 feels like for me. Quite frankly I'm not sure how I survived 2007. Good friends, amazing family, endless love and support..and a crash landing to recovery in Mexico....oh and of course a lot a lot of prayers. But my life is essentially good. I'm figuring stuff out. I think the day we finally figure it all out is the day we move to our next world. But things are good. I'm getting better at accepting love into my life. Slowly returning to my trust in others and trust in my own intuition. Ready to take more risks...and am! Trying not to worry and stress as much. And making more me time, more friends time and more family time. And learning to stick to my passions a little bit better and not let myself become distracted and sucked into things that I am really good at and CAN do but not necessarily things I WANT to do. And also realizing there is nothing I can do to fix others pain...I can be there to listen, but the one in pain has to find her way out when she's ready. I'm clarsentient so I feel it. When you hurt, I know. And I take it on. But no more of that...I'll let it pass through because I need to stay healthy and strong so I can listen. And I forgive myself. I release any guilt. I live as best I can in the circumstances provided. Trust... that's the word. That's the thing I have believed in. That's the thing I've been doubting. But it's all about Faith. Faith in me. Faith in him. Faith in us. Faith in the greater power. Faith that we are mostly good people at heart. And where there is Faith... well then Trust grows. I feel it growing. And I'm happily melting in the ecstasy of it.