Saturday, November 03, 2007
 | Love? Love?
So that's what I do in Camino Real... solicit LOVE. Interesting. How much can a heart hold? I met someone a while back. He stuck in my head but I pushed him out. But then he came back into my life and I fell in love. He told me that the first instant he saw me, he knew I was his girl. We guard our hearts and protect them because losing love hurts a great deal. Sometimes it's worse than death (or I imagine since I've never actually died before). But after my life journey of the past few years I was determined not to close my heart, but keep it open. You can only experience the greatest and deepest love if you are willing to risk falling the same distance in despair. I am willing. So what am I writing? I am not quite sure yet. Love goes through all kinds of tests...tests of faith and trust. And does it matter if the love is old or new? do these tests still come? am I stupid to trust so much? So I've been going to church every sunday. I've been praying every day. I'm going through confirmation classes. I trust and love God. It makes it easier to love, it really does. So I'm trusting Him that whatever is meant to be will be. If I continue to experience the full potential of the love I feel now, it will be amazing. And if I fall, well, then it wasn't meant to be and I'll pick myself back up again and keep my heart open for the next round. Maybe I'm the eternal optimist. Or maybe I'm just really hoping things will work out in my favor. And what am I doing pouring my heart out online? yipes.... Why do I believe so much? Why do I trust so much? Why do I believe in you, in me, in us? Am I going to get hurt in the end? I guess right now I don't care. If I didn't fight for what my heart is singing, I'll regret passing up what could be one of those great chances of life. It has to be worth it, right? And I just can't believe this is all not really real....i can't have dreamed your words, your looks, your touch, your heartfelt tokens and notes. Oh, my dear dear friend, te amo. but then again...maybe i dreamed the whole thing. maybe you are using me. maybe there are things beyond my comprehension. and maybe you are just smooth. maybe I didn't really know you. maybe I just see what I want to see - the youth, the innocence, the sensitivity, the passion. I never see the darkness, the lying, the manipulation, the whoring. But that's not true, I don't believe this in my heart...that's just my head getting in the way. it will be okay. it is always okay. and I will not let this experience harden me. at the end of the story, I will continue to believe each individual minute spent with you is real, that we love each other and are sincere. If we love each other together until the end of time and beyond or if we part ways and live only as star friends, I will always know that we once did love. And I believe you can become the good man you want to be, if you will it. I forgive you. And I will pray for you, me, us and the others too. I believe you, I trust you. You are in my heart as I am in yours. It is a gift to love and be loved like this. I am at peace knowing everything is working out. I am happy. Of course I am happy, I am in love and loved by you. I have melted. But why did you disappear? Now I have to remold myself. Because you don't love me enough to choose me. You say you have obligations and guilt you have to resolve before we can be together, but the bottom line is love, if it's really true, you'll do anything to be together. So we were two ships passing in the sea and for a while, I thought we had the same destination. Be well my lover and friend. I still believe it was real while it lasted. |
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