hair doesn't matter

being of the facebook age, i see pictures of old high school and college buddies. and have reconnected with people that passed through my life...that, without all this technology, would have remained only in my memories.

most everyone is changed. those i had a crush on - fat, receding hairlines, etc. maybe i should have just kept them in my memories.

but when i look at these pictures and read about their lives, i see that same person i remember. that same youthful spirit with a full head of hair. and my thoughts of them do not change. in fact, i think my feelings are deepened as i wish them well and see them past the prime so to speak.

so there are all these new hair surgeries and plastic surgeries. oh where oh where is that fountain of youth. but it's inside. everyone has it. just because your skin gets wrinkly or your hairline starts heading south, it's still the same you. and if you see the same you, everybody else will too.

so i'm glad i see the story continued 10 or 15 or 20 or more years later of those flashes of youthful spirit in my head. it's inspiring. it's awe-some. live just keeps moving on.

secret obsessions and the world is spinning

do you ever know something in your gut.
a horrible thing.
so horrible it can't really be true.
but there is no way to really verify it without extreme measures.
and then what if you're wrong.
then you're just crazy.
psycho.
but if you are right.
do you really want to know?
the whole world would spin out of control.
and it would be painful.
but you'd know.
what would you do?
would you find out the truth for sure?
risking something that may be good.
cause then it would be tainted.
and you would be guilty.
or do you hold it in.
and ignore your gut feelings.
and drive yourself crazy wondering.
wondering, wondering...which slowly creeps into suspicion
and lack of trust
and faith
and belief

what do you do?

world changer

I wake up each morning determined to change the world and also have one hell of a good time.
Current mood: inspired

"I wake up each morning determined to change the world and also have one hell of a good time. Sometimes that makes planning the day a little difficult" - E.B.White

I saw this quote on the bottom of an email and loved it.

I have historically been a planner. Every detail of my life (of course plans never seem to go as they are supposed to... the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry...)

So I've been planning less and going with the flow more.

Still have a long way to go to adopt that type of life and I'm sure I'll always have "planning" in my blood.

But wow, life sure is less stressful!!!

animal whisperer

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

child magnet, animal whisperer and insurance Current mood: curious I spent the weekend in Chicago at two of my greatest friends weddings. And today I am curious, nostalgic, questioning, reflecting. Being at their wedding was like being in another space and time. There was so much love. Love between them. Love supporting them. Love radiating back to us from them. And despite the occasional bumps, everything was perfect. I confirmed I am a child magnet. I love kids. Most times I'd rather play with the kids than have adult conversations. Maybe it's because their world is yet to be jaded. Or because they have such capacity to love and learn. But I don't think I do anything different than the average person. Or maybe I am just open to children. My mom is the same way. But no matter where I go..if there is a group and children are part of that group, we find each other. I find the same thing with animals. I remember being a little girl at my grandparents farm catching mice in the feed box with my granddaddy. And there was a pregnant cat there... we named her Moocher. By the end of a couple days, she wasn't your typical feral cat... she was a lover darting into the house. And volunteering for the Milo Foundation for a couple of years.. fostering animals, helping vaccinate them, helping them adjust to the world of humans... being around animals just feels right. So what does all this mean? I have no idea. I am together with an amazing man who I am completely in love with and who loves me. We're going to get married. I love kids. I want to have some (god willing). And I love the family I have around me and supporting me.. including Ramsey and Kielee, my dog and cat companions. And I'm so happy with my art right now too. I had my first "extra" gig (where I go my first SAG voucher.. only 2 more to go!). I met some great people. I am directing my first show. I am excited to continue acting and growing as an artist. I am blessed and amazed and grateful that what I do in this art world actually helps people heal and grow. I just realized I think the common thread to my art, children, animals and even doing someone's hair and makeup... I like to help people see the good and beauty and love I see in them. I like to help people see that everything is okay and obstacles can be overcome and that you are strong. So I'm babbling on, but I can't help feeling that I"m wasting my time schmoozing in the insurance industry. It just doesn't fit. But yet it allows me the financial stability to support my family and artistic endeavors. And in the moment of working with clients, who have also now become friends, I enjoy what I do. I enjoy teaching and helping people. But right now, when I wake up, I admit I'm not excited to go to work. Acting, the theatre, love, friends, family, animals, and insurance? I don't know. So I have no idea what is next. I wish someone could help guide me to opening up and to hearing messages clearly. I am slightly clarsentient... but I wish I were claraudiant too. I can't help feeling like there is a message right in front of me that I can't see or hear. I feel it so close. It's frustrating and fleeting. I know it has to do something with my purpose on earth and the common threads I am starting to see.. but I'm not sure where to go with it. But I'll keep trying to hear it. And maybe posting a blog will help bring me closer to the message I'm supposed to hear. Who knows. And maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just sentimental and coming down from the weekend festivities. Maybe I just need some sleep. But I do know I'm happy, I do feel I'm opening up spiritually and emotionally as a person. And who knows where this will take me....

did you kill him?

Saturday, May 24, 2008

did you kill him? Current mood: fascinated so after only four weeks of grueling rehearsals, buried child opened last night. i have to write about it because this experience will never happen again. i sat backstage listening to the excitement rolling in from the audience. friends and family all out to support our opening. my first truly large, driving role at atsf (a place that is my home and family)... and quite frankly, a role i thought would be a cinch to do when i was my cocky old "know-it-all" self and then turned into a role i realized was way way way over my head. rehearsals... what i remember? whipping myself with a belt until i bruised, gagging myself, slapping my arms with a wire hanger. just to get my emotions going. breaking down. tears and snot. thinking i'd never be able to act. what is this passion of mine? a joke? a cruel joke... something i love but can't do? the patience and belief and cruel spoken truths from my director and great friend. late nights. joy and pain and fear and laughing. every emotion one can experience. i did. tearing open my soul. admitting my faults. admitting my weaknesses. self loathing. depression. and then knowing deep deep down there was still a tiny spark inside me. seeing, really seeing, my fellow actors. everything comes from them. watch how jack grips his blanket. see the pain in dean's eyes and how he strokes the rabbit fur coat. really see all that. respond listen... but not just hear. listen with eyes and nose and mouth and intuitive impulse and emotion. the relentless faith of both directors. diving into the script. discovering. uncovering truth. the role... still above my head. but i'm growing into it. it's stretched me more than i thought possible and i'll stretch even more. and the show.. it's good! it will get better. the story is being told and every night more is discovered. more gels. it's funny. it's heart wrenching. it's sad. it's hopeful. it's nostaligic. it's a journey. last night. i just let it all go. i had fun. i didn't worry about what my next line was. or where i was supposed to be on the stage. it was all there. i just had to trust it. and the other actors gave my the answers. so humbling. so so humbling. acting is f*cking hard work. and i absolutely love it. so i'll keep working. and i'll never forget this experience. and i hope i remember all these details when it is my turn to teach. and i'm excited to keep working on this role. and i'm excited to try the next one after that to work through a smoother process now that i'm truly starting to understand. and i'm even excited to go through all the torture over and over to tell the story. all those things chris said are finally making sense. this play, this story, my soul, this is my gift to you out there. and so the lights went up. and the show went on. and new experiences were born each second. and i get to do it all over again tonight. what an amazing life i lead. and thank you so much to those friends who supported me and shared in this once in a lifetime experience.

card carrying catholic

Monday, March 24, 2008

card carrying catholics the church was black. a church that holds 1000 people. with paintings and columns and organ pipes. black. black. black. and silent. I can smell the faint scent of frankincense infused into the wood of the church pews. a fire is lit at the far back. a raging bowl of fire floating in the air. and the priest’s booming voice is heard like thunder as the fire is blessed and the easter candle lit. then slowly, silently, candles are lit, one by one, until the church glows in soft, radiant candle light. "Lumen Christi" is echoed out of the faint light. A thousand voices respond, "Deo Gracias". And we proceed toward the alter. I feel like I have been transported back into some ancient time. This procession, this ceremony, identical to it’s twin 1,000 years ago. Ageless. I feel the goose bumps of the Holy Spirit pass over me as I process down the aisle. The readings bring us through our history. First, a strong, powerful vocal of Genesis and the story of creation. With God’s voice echoed in a sweet, light female voice as the earth and the seas and the birds flying in the sky and sea monsters swimming in the ocean and the wild animals roaming the land are created. Then the story of Exodus; Moses leading Israel out of Egypt and the Red Sea parting.... readings continue through the prophecy, An Invitation to Grace, of Isaiah and a letter from St. Paul to the Romans. All intertwined with choral voices - sometimes light and stacatto, sometimes long and weeping, sometimes heavy, sometimes glorious. The darkness ends with the singing of the Gloria. Hundreds of voices are raised in unison, in glory, in passion. The angels are singing. Bells are sounding, lights rising, and the alter re-clothed. The celebration has begun. First are the baptisms...about 15 of them. I know most of those getting baptised, so my eyes fill with tears..joyful ones. Proud and excited, watching each of the elect accept Jesus into their lives. Remembering my own baptism in Lake Winnipesaukee when I was only 11 or 12. I laugh with happiness as water splashes down over their heads. It is funny and amusing, the water going everywhere, but laughing is not mocking..but sharing and participating as each individual steps out of the baptismal fount into a new life. It comes time for the confirmations. Since I was baptised Catholic at birth, I am called up separately and last..to join with those newly baptised and those baptised in other Christian religions. Father Jim takes the Chrysm oil and marks each person’s forehead as he calls out their new name. I am the last one so wait anxiously. A huge shiver overcomes me before the priest arrives.... my sponsor jokes that I still have time to run and change my mind. But no, this is what I want. And finally my time comes. The oil crossed on my head smells so familiar. I can’t make it out, but there is a comforting, homecoming feeling and aura. And I know this smell. I don’t know why. But it is like meeting a long lost friend. My new name is supposed to be Phaedra Jean Theresa...but somehow it gets mixed up so I’m Phaedra Jean Felice. (I look up Felice in the Patron Saints index...and well there are a lot of them. I’ll have to read through each story and see what calls to me to find my message in the name.) After confirmation, the mass continues. It is time for the Eucharist. All of us who would be taking this as our first time, are called to the alter. Deacon Charles hands me the little wafer - "the body of Christ", "Amen" and I place it on my tongue. It is rough and crispy, but melts as it meets my saliva. It actually sticks on the roof of my mouth! And then then Mary, our RCIA teacher, comes with the wine - "the blood of Christ", syrupy sweet and strong. The blood and body mix in my mouth and all I feel is an extraordinary amount of thanks and relief. I know my life is blessed and I am watched over. I know there is always someone there regardless of the trials and tribulations I withstand. I return to my pew and kneel and pray. And only prayers of thanksgiving come. Thanks for the wonderful friends and family in my life past and present, thanks for the community I have officially joined, thanks to the Son who takes me as I am (faults included). The only way to describe it is a moment of total peace. I will remember this night always. I feel like I stepped out into a new world and a new life. The trees are brighter, the sky bluer, the small blessings of each day more apparent. I am in shock the rest of the night. But come Easter morning, when I stand in line with every one else to receive the Eucharist once more, I know I am home and it real. ~~~ I looked up Saint Felicity. She was the maid to Perpetua, another martyr. Both were put to death for their Faith. Felicity was 8 months pregnant and the law said she could not be put to death. Three days before the execution, she gave birth to a healthy baby girl, who was adopted. So Felicity became a martyr. A wild bull was set on Felicity and Perpetua. It is said that neither felt the bulls attack and Perpetua asked when the animals would be set upon them. She was told they already had and both realized it was true when they saw the wounds on their bodies. They kissed each other as a sign of peace and then went to their deaths by the sword.

revelations and confessions of the spiritually enlightened

Monday, March 10, 2008

revelations and confessions of the spiritually enlightened Current mood: enlightened i went to confession on monday morning. i was nervous and excited. there are some things you just don't talk about and i was going to talk about them for the first time to a priest. yipes. it's funny because several people tried to "coach" me on what to say and what not to say during confession. but i decided i'd say what was in my heart. not hold anything back. Psalm 9:11 says, "Those who honor your name trust in you; you never forsake those who seek you, Lord." So that's what I went with... trust in Him. Interesting that that is the passage for 9:11 and then to think about what happened on 9-11 at the WTC. God bless those souls. Anyway, the priest did not judge at all...which was amazing in itself. He said something I really took to heart... any time you separate part of your life away from God, there is probably Sin. And that's true. We are intellectual beings. We try to overlook, to find excuses to rationalize, to justify. And there is no such thing as sin without knowledge. I like this because it's a good measure of what I'm doing in life. Am I separating? Or am I whole? This year has been so full of revelation. Hard stuff to face sometimes, but also very healing. In RCIA class we've been talking about relationships and marriage and sex. Sometimes uncomfortable topics. I was a virgin. And when I was 18 years old, I was raped. I don't write this for you to feel bad for me or for any pity. Unfortunately this stuff happens. It sucks, but we live through it. And there are many worse things in the world than this. I really did believe before then that I wouldn't have sex until I was engaged. And then innocence was completely lost. I tried to make it okay. And so I stayed in an abusive relationship because I was supposed to marry whomever I had sex with, right? What I didn't realize immediately is that that night I separated into two halves: the emotional, spiritual being who was me, and a body or shell that was my form. Very rarely did I allow those two halves come together. And over the years, the walls around my emotional life built up and thickened. No one would really ever know the true me. Of course, this had many negative side affects that I am only now beginning to unwind. Sure, I was "protected", but also cut off from true emotion and true love. I freely talk about "things", am very organzied and planned. Spontenaetity that originates in the lower chakras which hold our base emotions and instincts was supressed. My muscles physically tighten around my body in emotional situations causing my voice to become pinched and the pitch higher than my natural voice. Resonance is lost. I sound shallow... and probably am, because I can't let anyone really see the true emotion. So I have developed this shallower layer that only hints at emotion so I don't seem "cold." So now I go to church. And we talk about physical intimacy being a true expression of love, trust, commitment. I am working with an Alexander Tech teacher and a Voice teacher to free my inner self. To eliminate the physical habits my body has come to accept as correct - how I hold my head, my posture, constriction in the throat, neck and shoulders. I am re-learning how to trust...to REALLY trust, not just seem like I am trusting. Re-learning how to access my emotions and express them truthfully, deeply. And trying to bring my whole being into communion with God. It is truly amazing how one violent act 12 years ago has affected my life. And all this time I really thought I was okay. And I AM okay. I survived. I am surviving. And sometimes that's all we can do. I re-read my about me section and I wrote "I tend to love a lot"...and that's true. I do love a lot...I love people the way I have always wanted to be loved...but I just wouldn't let anyone love me. I've cared for people and taken care of people all to avoid taking care of me or allowing anyone to do those same things for me. Wow. But the combination of opening myself up artistically, vocally, spiritually, emotionally... I finally feel like I'm discovering who I am again. I am finally returning to "whole". And allow feelings of love IN too... I am forgiven. And the weight on my shoulders that I never really recognized before seems lifted. My penance is to read daily passages in the bible about trust, relationships, marriage, faithfulness. I enjoy reading them. I don't know if this piece helps anybody. Or brings them closer to God. Or helps them heal. But it helps me. To write about these life changing experiences...it inspires me and excites me. After 30 years...to finally get to know myself and ALLOW myself to be me. Allow myself to feel. To be less neurotic, less stressed, less self conscious, less aware. To be truly open to the spectrum of emotions. And most of all love. Feeling love, this TRUE love, is unreal. An experience I never knew I was missing and never truly thought I'd have. It's a process...it's not an overnight thing...but I feel and see progress and I'm happier every day. My acting...artistic expression..is greatly improved and opportunity is flowing. Who knew it was so hard to have an open heart? But isn't it an amazing experience. And I thank God for helping me get here.

i love tornados

Friday, March 07, 2008

good things come Current mood: happy tornado-like whirlwinds and tears and stress and blood and guts lots of blood absolute terror. fear. the unknown. patience wait wait until the storm is calm and done sun the sun peaks through the sun shines down on you hope and dreams and spirit and life calm breezes and opportunities understanding and talking and softness love love love it comes. it stays for now. another storm will take hold but the sun will always come back somehow. life is crazy, huh? march is the culmination or maybe the beginning. but beginnings and endings are always the same. i'm acting acting acting. alexander tech, scene study, voice, audition tech. did a short film. learning a lead role for atsf. la in a couple weeks to explore the tv opp. wow. oh, and i'm happy again. i seem to attract traumatic experiences...but i made it through. i always will. it's so scary to think the thoughts i thought..what happened..what the doctors thought..but we were all wrong and everything is okay. and the support i received at a moments notice... it was like you knew. you called at the exact moment. and you were here. my doubts are erased. in fact is it fate? and i'm still wobbly, but feeling more solid. things are more clear. my life is cleaning up. i'm getting confirmed. i am so excited. only a couple more weeks. i go to confession for the first time monday. i was terrified, but now i'm looking forward to it. things are calm. i'm laughing again. i'm good. we're good. beautiful. and i have my chance. the universe is opening up...well, i guess it's always been open, i just couldn't find the door...but i found one that opens for me and i'm gonna see where it goes. it's so nice to not be bitchy and paranoid and stiff and unhappy anymore...though many of those emotions and behaviors were drug induced. no more! i'm me again! yippie!!! so let's jump in the sea and watch where the tides take us.

liers and other evils

how do you deal with a lier???
Current mood: confused

liers suck. majorly. i don't understand how people feel comfortable with lying. maybe she has lied so much it's easy. maybe she has an evil demon in her. but blatant lying. telling one person one thing and another something else. being sticky sweet to your face and absolutely back stabbing to your back. that sucks. and to find out someone is lying also to someone you love. how do you tell that person? and what if that person doesn't believe you? it's evil manipulation what she does. i hate it and i don't know what to do.

because i have mean spirited feelings...i've never really had those before. i keep praying. because i am a good, loving person. i don't like feeling negative toward anyone. if someone hurts you, you're supposed to love them more and forgive. i guess i'll just keep praying. but lying and liers really suck. i guess they are putting out bad vibes and the karma will come around to get them eventually.

why does someone want to purposely damage someone else's reputation and life? is it really jealousy? how sad. she's really sad. i kind of feel bad for her in a way. spinning lies to keep some people away and keep others trapped with her. maybe someday she'll come to realize that's just plain wrong.

in the meantime, i will forge forward. i will keep doing my best. i will try not to let the lies she spreads about me or anyone else affect me. my true friends know me and know my capabilities. hopefully i can surmount any hurdles set up professionally. and if i can, and i will, those lies will be eventually exposed. everything comes out in the end...

i was really sad and hurt and depressed. but i know i've done nothing wrong. i know what goes around eventually comes around. and actually i'm starting to feel really inspired. i'll battle with truth and respect. a soldier of love. that's what i'll do. and i'll focus on the positive in my life. the people who support me. who believe in me and trust me. just let the others fall by the way side so not to divert my from my true path...and i'll pray for them...this person specifically because she really needs it. the havoc she has caused in so many lives, she has to know in some small part of her self. when i see her i literally see a path of destruction behind her..and then i see those star-struck, glaze-eyed, googly-eyed few around her who can't see it, won't believe it despite the obvious evidence. i pray they don't end up in the path of the destroyed. maybe that's why she lies... to run away from acknowledging how many people she's hurt.

it will be okay. it always is. but it truly amazes me how some people can have a respected veneer with a swooning fan club, but underneath that they are manipulative, lying persons...who probably do it because they have no self confidence or self respect. because they must know the destruction they have caused. they can't face it. and they can't stop it because they don't know how.

and i'm glad i blogged. i was feeling a lot of negative feelings and i don't like that. i was feeling guilty for actually considering hate and revenge. i knew that wasn't the way...but i couldn't shake those feelings. and now i see a better way. one that doesn't compromise my morals, my values, my faith. one that's actually complementary. that's good stuff. definitely feeling inspired now. :)

cupid's inspiration

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

quotes for valentine’s day... Current mood: loved True love cannot be found where it truly does not exist, Nor can it be hidden where it truly does. Seduce my mind and you can have my body, find my soul and I'm yours forever. A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous. -Ingrid Bergman I sought for Love But Love ran away from me. I sought my Soul But my Soul I couldn't see. Then I sought You, And I found all three. Love has no other desire but to fulfill itself But if your love and must needs have desires, Let these be your desires: To melt and be like a running brook That sings its melody to the night. To know the pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; And to bleed willingly and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart And give thanks for another day of loving; To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy; To return home at eventide with gratitude; And then to sleep with a prayer For the beloved in your heart And a song of praise upon your lips. ~ by Gibran Kahlil Gibran ~ The greatest tragedy of life is not that men perish, but that they cease to love. ~ by W. Somerset Maugham ~ True love begins when nothing is looked for in return. ~ by Antoine De Saint-Exupery ~ In dreams and in love there are no impossibilities. ~ by Janos Arany ~ You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~ by Sam Keen ~ Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some people move our souls to dance. They awaken us to new understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom. Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon. They stay in our lives for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never ever the same. ~ by Flavia Weedn ~ Love and self are one and the discovery of either is the realization of both. Happy Valentine's Day... and feel free to add more! :)

ashes ashes we all fall down

Wednesday, February 06, 2008

ashes ashes we all fall down It's Ash Wednesday... my first as an (almost) Catholic. Father Jim said "Turn away from sin and be faithful to the word of the Gospel." All night during mass I was feeling the goose bumps I get whenever I'm in mass. It's a sense of awe. That the Holy Spirit is there. A reminder that my Guardian Angels and those who have passed before me are there with me. Every time I go up to take communion, I come close to tears...and sometimes some actually slip out. I can't actually take the sacrament yet, so I just get blessed, but it's still overwhelming. Awe-inspiring. I didn't know what to expect when I received the mark of the cross in ashes on my forehead. I knew what the priest would say because we learned it in class, but I had no idea what it would actually be like. It was terrifying! Literally put the fear of God into me. The whole mass was somber and serious. Reflective. I'm a good person. I know that. I'm honest. I don't lie. (I'd be a great Aes Sedai). I try to live a good life. But I'm not perfect. Not by a long stretch. Recently I went through a majorly traumatic breakthrough that changed the way I viewed the last 12 years of my life. The shock of realization put me into an almost zombie like state for a week. But I feel the healing starting already. I have to go to the sacrament of Reconcilation (confession) before I am confirmed at the Easter Vigil...I'm terrified. But also excited. I am very happy I decided to begin this journey. Church is good for me. I silently send up prayers for those I've inadvertantly hurt...I'm not sure I've ever hurt anyone on purpose...but there have been casualties along the way, and pray to find forgiveness for those who have hurt me. And pray receive help and guidance to live a good and faithful life. And I meditate on the current state of my life, and the flows that are being weaved, the endless opportunities. And I say thank you. Things are rarely easy....and most of the time, times are trying and complicated...but there is a rainbow always. A new beginning. A new path. That is what 2008 feels like for me. Quite frankly I'm not sure how I survived 2007. Good friends, amazing family, endless love and support..and a crash landing to recovery in Mexico....oh and of course a lot a lot of prayers. But my life is essentially good. I'm figuring stuff out. I think the day we finally figure it all out is the day we move to our next world. But things are good. I'm getting better at accepting love into my life. Slowly returning to my trust in others and trust in my own intuition. Ready to take more risks...and am! Trying not to worry and stress as much. And making more me time, more friends time and more family time. And learning to stick to my passions a little bit better and not let myself become distracted and sucked into things that I am really good at and CAN do but not necessarily things I WANT to do. And also realizing there is nothing I can do to fix others pain...I can be there to listen, but the one in pain has to find her way out when she's ready. I'm clarsentient so I feel it. When you hurt, I know. And I take it on. But no more of that...I'll let it pass through because I need to stay healthy and strong so I can listen. And I forgive myself. I release any guilt. I live as best I can in the circumstances provided. Trust... that's the word. That's the thing I have believed in. That's the thing I've been doubting. But it's all about Faith. Faith in me. Faith in him. Faith in us. Faith in the greater power. Faith that we are mostly good people at heart. And where there is Faith... well then Trust grows. I feel it growing. And I'm happily melting in the ecstasy of it.

resolute 2008

new years resolutions 2008
Current mood:ready to start the new year

listen to my heart
follow my intuition
take those risks i've been talking about for so long
love
pray
keep a date night with myself
write
go rock climbing
go somewhere i've never been before
keep in touch
not let myself get bogged down in the little things
remember the "big picture"
remember to be me
be true
be free
be me
love
love
love

stingrays

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

magic and miracles Current mood:gliding like a sting ray i´m still in mexico. i went scuba diving today. i´ve never done it but thought that life is so short, why not. it´s another world under there. there is so much danger, yet everything is bright and colorful and wonderful and tranquil. i watched two sting rays glide. everything in it´s place. everything simple. honest. true. how did life above the water get so crazy. dramatic. caught up. when you can just melt in the sun. feel the breeze like a blanket. be quiet. quiet. quiet. simple. it´s a big world out there. a harsh one if you let it be. why mask our hearts. why protect them. our hearts are stronger than we give them credit for. the simple truth is we have to love. despite the mess ups. despite the demons. despite all of it. the simple truth is that spark of love is there. it has always been there. we´ve always known it. felt it. tried to ignore it. tried to extinguish it. tried to flee. but you can´t run away from your heart. not without losing the light in life. the joy. the wonder. the magic. the miracles. none of it makes sense. logically nothing should work. nothing should fit. it´s so complicated and crazy. but breath. just breath. those things will work how they shall. but give it a chance. a beginning. don´t try to write the middle or end. let the words flow the story go. and will we get hurt again and want to rip our hearts out. quite possibly. but that story is not yet written. let's go pet the sting rays. they won´t sting. everything beautiful has a stinger. but those are rarely used. so let´s travel across mexico on the bus and stop at all the towns. teach me spanish or italian or whatever languages are out there. teach me how to make flan. let´s bundle up and trek through the snow so i can show you my home town. and let´s drink hot chocolate while curled up by the fireplace. tell me your dreams. and i´ll tell you mine. and let´s be amazed how they become one. oh, mexico is good for the heart. good for the soul. i´m rested. i´m quiet. i can´t wait to come home and start life anew.. relaxed. refreshed. brilliantly.

heartbreak sandwich for lunch

Saturday, December 08, 2007

tell me you love me all you want, but actions speak louder than words. your actions suck. Current mood:confused. why don’t your actions match your words? buy me a coffee stroll through the streets breath me in take my essence take me for lunch take me on a date confess your love your (supposed) undying love write me notes last night: "My heart prays that someday I will melt in your arms again." I will not fall not again not again stop it stop hurting me let me be let me recover don't remind me don't come back because this isn't what i want this isn't what i signed up for this is not gentle unless it's real really for real one hundred percent if only it were but it is not you broke it hearts are fragile tread lightly don't drop it don't play with it just for fun just for attention just selfishness sleep sleep let me sleep without a dream

missing granddaddy

Friday, November 30, 2007

Family Current mood: nostalgic My father and I have this amazing bond - we can be thousands of miles away, but we know when we need each other. I received a DVD in the mail from him - he has started transferring our old VHS home movies to DVD. The first is my grandparents' 50th wedding celebration. It was a tear-jerker. I was 7. A very solumn 7. Wide-eyed and straight faced, with a hint of defiance. And I refused to speak on camera because I didn't like how my voice sounded. In the video are several that have passed - Granddaddy, Grandmother, Aunt Nancy, Aunt Thelma, Uncle George. All the 'kids' spoke, but most impressive were my Dad and Uncle Dale. Dad told stories from his childhood about each of his siblings and then about his parents..and my Dad was certainly not an angel as a youngster. And then he addressed the "younger generations" and told a story about Love. That a football coach every homecoming made each player meet his respective parents on the 50 yard line to hug them and tell them they loved them. If the player refused, he didn't play in that game. The importance of family, they are all that is left when everything else is gone. And even when they pass, you are left with their imprints. I realized that my parents have never gotten off the phone with me or left without saying "I love you". Even if we were in a fight. Uncle Dale retold history. It's good to know where I come from. The Starr farm, that is still in the family, homesteaded in 1803. Farmers. Hardworkers. So influencial in soil conservation and farming advancements. Good people. People who struggled to get by, but always helped (quote from Granddaddy, "well, I need the work more than the money so I'll be there!"). Granddaddy was born in 1911, Grandmother in 1916 - the times they went through...wars, the depression, horse and buggy to the space age, radio to color tv and televisions. Wow. I realize how fast life is now. How much we miss. How we don't live off the land anymore...we destroy it. How commercial we have become. Grandmother and Granddaddy got married out of high school in Grandmother's parents home - small, simple. Granddaddy would bring Grandmother gum when they were courting. And they were married for 56 years before Granddaddy passed. Does anything last 56 years anymore? And while from a religion standpoint, I don't agree with everything exactly as they did, but it got them through. It was a good community. And they led Christ-like lives. I understand now. Singing. Loving. Simple. Good. Honest. Hardworking. Where did those times go? I long for them... And I hope one day I will have a family as wonderful, close and loving as theirs and the one I grew up in. I am truly blessed. I never realized how rare it is to feel as much love throughout the course of one's life as I have experienced.

journey of the spirit

Friday, November 30, 2007

Spiritual Journey and Love Current mood: confused So I've been on a spiritual journey. I am going through the confirmation process at St. Ignatius church...actually I go through my Rite of Acceptance this Sunday! In this process, I have done a lot of praying and also started reading some different texts. A good friend of mine gave me The Restless Heart: Finding Our Spiritual Home in Times of Loneliness, by Ronald Rolheiser. And then I happened to read a post of some work put out by the Light Omega group (The Mindful Heart, which I couldn't find on their website, but another I read that is similar is at http://www.lightomega.org/Ind/Pure/the-Hearts-Journey.html). The Restless Heart examines Loneliness from many different perspectives. But the ultimate conclusion is that people are lonely because we're built this way. God created this longing so we could find Him. Loneliness is a good thing, it's an indicator that we are REAL. But it can be a dangerous thing if not handled appropriately (alcohol, drugs, unhealthy sexual relationships, unhealthy relationships in general). And then the readings from Light Omega talk about Love and how we have an endless capacity for Love. The author talked about how falling in love is so wonderful because it opens us up to the experience of Love, but it also can be dangerous because we tend to limit ourselves in loving just one person or a chosen few instead of expanding our understanding to match our true Love capacity. And we limit ourselves in Love because we want to protect ourselves...when really if we opened fully to the potential, we'd be much happier and have a fuller life. So I feel like I am a really open person. I never thought there was a limit to love. I try to love everyone all the time. But what do you do about the hurt? Through the spiritual exercises I"m going through at church, it's much easier...and maybe if I keep on this path I'll reach that limitless fullness. And in the meantime, I'm not going to drink....because the demons seem to come out then. The demons of doubt. I question everything. I want a logical, reasonable answer for everything and want everything to make sense. But the bottom line is, things don't always make sense. That's why we have faith. And of course then I get a million opinions from people pulling me this way and that way, reinforcing the fact that things don't make sense...it's overwhelming and confusing. Oh, what to do!?!? Am I being tricked into painful situations because I believe Love is the way? Do I throw out the advise to protect myself? Do I actually like being hurt? Every time I try to leave you pull me back to you like an annoying, mystical, thrilling magnet; and there we are together again, painfully, joyfully, tenderly and harshly together and I wait for my heart to break again again again. Thank God I'm on vacation soon...by myself and away from all the voices and maybe I can return to some sort of center. The heart rises No longer separate, it has found its way home. Let Thy wish become my desire, let Thy will become my deed; let Thy word become my speech, Beloved, and let Thy love become my creed. Let my plant bring forth Thy flowers, let my fruits produce Thy seed. Let my heart become Thy lute, Beloved, and my body Thy flute of reed. -A Sufi Song

broken love poem

Tuesday, November 06, 2007

perfect fit Current mood: sad see my soul. right words die to move forward your words die tonight tomorrow the phoenix Wonderful So wonderful Beautiful Loving Can't quit Your words perfect fit warmth connection melting together be one many ones melting melted Go now Obligation Guilt Time Love Not in love Not passion Not everything Go now golden hearts hard lifeless bloodless flower petals match books hearts remember One true love Broken Forgotten Ignored Go now the star never was that child ours just go not to give but to you yours mend hearts goodbye.

ephemeral love

Saturday, November 03, 2007

Love? Love? Current mood:aching, in love, missing what could have been So that's what I do in Camino Real... solicit LOVE. Interesting. How much can a heart hold? I met someone a while back. He stuck in my head but I pushed him out. But then he came back into my life and I fell in love. He told me that the first instant he saw me, he knew I was his girl. We guard our hearts and protect them because losing love hurts a great deal. Sometimes it's worse than death (or I imagine since I've never actually died before). But after my life journey of the past few years I was determined not to close my heart, but keep it open. You can only experience the greatest and deepest love if you are willing to risk falling the same distance in despair. I am willing. So what am I writing? I am not quite sure yet. Love goes through all kinds of tests...tests of faith and trust. And does it matter if the love is old or new? do these tests still come? am I stupid to trust so much? So I've been going to church every sunday. I've been praying every day. I'm going through confirmation classes. I trust and love God. It makes it easier to love, it really does. So I'm trusting Him that whatever is meant to be will be. If I continue to experience the full potential of the love I feel now, it will be amazing. And if I fall, well, then it wasn't meant to be and I'll pick myself back up again and keep my heart open for the next round. Maybe I'm the eternal optimist. Or maybe I'm just really hoping things will work out in my favor. And what am I doing pouring my heart out online? yipes.... Why do I believe so much? Why do I trust so much? Why do I believe in you, in me, in us? Am I going to get hurt in the end? I guess right now I don't care. If I didn't fight for what my heart is singing, I'll regret passing up what could be one of those great chances of life. It has to be worth it, right? And I just can't believe this is all not really real....i can't have dreamed your words, your looks, your touch, your heartfelt tokens and notes. Oh, my dear dear friend, te amo. but then again...maybe i dreamed the whole thing. maybe you are using me. maybe there are things beyond my comprehension. and maybe you are just smooth. maybe I didn't really know you. maybe I just see what I want to see - the youth, the innocence, the sensitivity, the passion. I never see the darkness, the lying, the manipulation, the whoring. But that's not true, I don't believe this in my heart...that's just my head getting in the way. it will be okay. it is always okay. and I will not let this experience harden me. at the end of the story, I will continue to believe each individual minute spent with you is real, that we love each other and are sincere. If we love each other together until the end of time and beyond or if we part ways and live only as star friends, I will always know that we once did love. And I believe you can become the good man you want to be, if you will it. I forgive you. And I will pray for you, me, us and the others too. I believe you, I trust you. You are in my heart as I am in yours. It is a gift to love and be loved like this. I am at peace knowing everything is working out. I am happy. Of course I am happy, I am in love and loved by you. I have melted. But why did you disappear? Now I have to remold myself. Because you don't love me enough to choose me. You say you have obligations and guilt you have to resolve before we can be together, but the bottom line is love, if it's really true, you'll do anything to be together. So we were two ships passing in the sea and for a while, I thought we had the same destination. Be well my lover and friend. I still believe it was real while it lasted.

fear and faith

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

Alanas story Wow. It's been one of those years I guess. In the last week I lost a friend and fellow company member of ATSF, Paula Burtis. You know, after two years, I didn't even know her that well..the details of her life and such. But she was one of those people that was a calm, angelic spirit and you knew she was there, always supportive, gentle, kind. And she's passed on to the other side. It's a really different feeling to lose a friend. Death comes. Losing a grandparent or Aunt is hard, but someone who is your friend is somehow different. I don't know. I still don't really know how I feel or what to say. I feel the pain of those who were close to her the most right now. Tomorrow is her memorial service...I'm going, but don't know what to expect. And almost one year ago exactly I posted a note and poem about Alana, my niece...three years old and diagnosed with cancer. A year later, she has just finished her last chemo treatment, doesn't have to wear a cast and all her scans show she is cancer free. Wow. So this is how life revolves. It doesn't ever make sense. You don't know when someone will come into your life and you never know when they are leaving. An important person in my life spoke to me the last night of FEAR and FAITH. Faith being the opposite of FEAR. And we can chose in which we live our lives. I've read all the self help books and seen the movies..the secret, psychocybernetics (okay so I didn't get all the way through that one) and all those books... positive thinking, think it into existence, blah blah blah... There value there. I believe in positive thinking. I believe in the power of prayer. But there is still FEAR or FAITH..or a bit of both. All we know for sure is our time in this life and this body will end. No one knows what happens next. So I guess the point of my rambling is to keep the faith. LOVE. Use the time you have here to make the world better. SMILE. Enjoy life... even when you're having a bad day and are down on your luck, remember the longest day you'll ever live through is only 24 hours...right. God bless... And to my friends and family... I love you. Alana, you are an amazing kid...thank you for being such a blessing and an example to follow.

velveteen

Friday, June 29, 2007

Velveteen Rabbit The Velveteen Rabbit by Margery Williams "What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?" "Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real." "Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit. "Sometimes," said the Skin Horse for he was always truthful, "when you are Real you don't mind being hurt." "Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?" "It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't often happen to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

the shoe man

Saturday, May 26, 2007

The Shoe Man Current mood:Blessed Category: Life A friend sent me this and it really touched me... (thanks Tiff!) I showered and shaved............. I adjusted my tie. I got there and sat.............. In a pew just in time. Bowing my head in prayer......... As I closed my eyes. I saw the shoe of the man next to me..... Touching my own. I sighed. With plenty of room on either side...... I thought, "Why must our soles touch?" It bothered me, his shoe touching mine... But it didn't bother him much. A prayer began: "Our Father"............. I thought, "This man with the shoes.. has no pride. They're dusty, worn, and scratched. Even worse, there are holes on the side!" "Thank You for blessings," the prayer went on. The shoe man said............... a quiet "Amen." I tried to focus on the prayer....... But my thoughts were on his shoes again. Aren't we supposed to look our best. When walking through that door? "Well, this certainly isn't it," I thought, Glancing toward the floor. Then the prayer was ended............ And the songs of praise began. The shoe man was certainly loud...... Sounding proud as he sang. His voice lifted the rafters......... His hands were raised high. The Lord could surely hear.. The shoe man's voice from the sky. It was time for the offering....... And what I threw in was steep. I watched as the shoe man reached.... Into his pockets so deep. I saw what was pulled out.......... What the shoe man put in. Then I heard a soft "clink" ......... as when silver hits tin. At the end of the service...... As is the custom here, We must greet new visitors.. And show them all good cheer. But I felt moved somehow............. And wanted to meet this man. So after the closing prayer........ I reached over and shook his hand. He was old and his skin was dark..... And his hair was truly a mess. But I thanked him for coming......... For being our guest. He said, "My name's Charlie.......... I'm glad to meet you, my friend." There were tears in his eyes....... But he had a large, wide grin. "Let me explain," he said......... Wiping tears from his eyes. "I've been coming here for months.... And you're the first to say 'Hi.'" "I know that my appearance......... Is not like all the rest. "But I really do try................. To always look my best. "I always clean and polish my shoes.... Before my very long walk, "But by the time I get here......... They're dirty and dusty, like chalk." My heart filled with pain............ and I swallowed to hide my tears As he continued to apologize......... For daring to sit so near. He said, "When I get here........... I know I must look a sight. "But I thought if I could touch you.. Then maybe our souls might unite." I was silent for a moment............ Knowing whatever was said Would pale in comparison... I spoke from my heart, not my head. "Oh, you've touched me," I said......" And taught me, in part, "That the best of any man............ Is what is found in his heart." The rest, I thought,................ This shoe man will never know. Like just how thankful I really am... That his dirty old shoe touched my soul. You are special to me and you have made a difference in my life. I respect you, and truly cherish you.

sand secrets....cabo

August 31, 2006

Cabo...the recap
Current mood: content
Category: Travel and Places

I am finally back in SF after a very eventful trip to Cabo. I will definitely go back. The Mexican people there are fantastic. And I have come back with a relaxed body and soul and a different perspective on life.

Four single girls arrived within a couple of hours of each other at the little Cabo airport. The first one headed to the resort, I landed at the United terminal next. The airport is TINY! You walk off the plane, down the stairs and walk by a line of airport security guards that are guiding you around the parked planes to the terminal. Customs, luggage, the usual stuff...then you walk through a maze of Mexicans in a white room standing at white desks wearing white shirts and pants all trying to sell you a ride into Cabo. I kind of felt like I was in the TV room in the original Willy Wonka. The other two girls were arriving in an hour and the other terminal...so I started walking; this is quite a long walk with luggage. Fortunately a nice Mexican man driving a car rental shuttle picked me up an drove me. My first experience with Mexican hospitality within minutes of my arrival - or was it the Latin culture of helping out a pretty girl? The main terminal was tiny. I was starving, but no one took credit cards and the ATM was out of money...so I waited and watched. The last two girls arrived (one a bit hung over from the previous night's festivities...she started vacation early I guess) and we jumped in a shuttle to our resort. I was not in the United States anymore.

The next three days consisted of sunbathing, swimming, drinking, nights out in Cabo and of course spa treatments... I can't remember a time when men were so plentiful!!! We couldn't go anywhere without a comment, whistle, or offer of a drink. I must admit it was flattering and fun. There were the LA up-and-coming real estate developers focusing in on Baja, a few from the US Military, soccer players, salesmen, lawyers, construction workers. Such an array of people leading all sorts of different lives, escaping to the calm blue of the Sea of Cortez (and probably hoping for some action, but I must say everyone we met acted like perfect gentlemen.) Everyone was relaxed, generous, engaging. Wouldn't it be nice if we were always this way?

But aside from the touristy stuff, there is an amazing Mexican culture. Every Mexican I met worked incredibly hard, but loved life, appreciated the special moments in each day. The Mexicans there work for the most part on tips or the sale of their own wares. Thomas was the guy who came to the edge of the resort to sell his handmade jewelry. The day I met him I was relaxing at the beach after just finishing my voice and relaxation exercises. Business was slow that day so we just talked (through the whistles of the construction workers next store I might add). He enjoyed our conversation (my guess is most tourists run away so they don't get "sold") and actually gave me a bracelet! Just because. We spent a day deep sea fishing with Salvadore and Rambo (that really was his name). They get paid about $100 USD a week and the rest is on tips. They work 7 days a week. Salvadore had a wife and two little girls (7 years old and 22 days old), but was happy and loving life. I can't imagine getting up at 4am 7 days a week to take tourists out on a boat to catch a Marlin. But they loved the water and knew the ocean and the fish. We caught a 50lb sail fish (and let it go in the water), watched a big Marlin spit out our hook, saw Dorado jumping to catch flying fish (which I fully thought were birds until Salvadore pointed out otherwise)...turtles, dolphins. And Alex, a Mexican who had grown up in Southern CA, worked himself sick as the American culture demands and then gave it all up to return to his Mexican roots and enjoy the rest of his life.

I guess what was amazing to me was how these people work so hard, but life is still good. Sometimes here in America we get so wrapped up in stress that we make ourselves sick. And maybe this happens there too, but you certainly couldn't tell. And then there is they way the men there respect women. You hear of the Latin culture of being macho and possessive - I think that is only a perception and not the truth. Cab drivers set down steps and helped us out of the taxi. Doors were always opened. You could never carry your own luggage. A hand was always offered when getting out of the boat or coming down the stairs. Men were shocked to find out we were single.

I don't know, maybe it's just what a beautiful destination and the ocean air does to the soul. Maybe it's having so many days of sun and being able to see marine life all the time. Or maybe it's just a lot of tequila! Whatever it is, Cabo is a special place. The people are wonderful, nightlife never ending, sunny days, sandy beaches and always the sound of the surf. I will return to Cabo. My body and mind are rested and my soul is light and free. I realized so many truths about myself, friends, life in general. I appreciate all that I have and where I am in life...and I truly cherish and love all those who have helped me get here. I hope I can keep hold of these thoughts and feelings and remember that life really isn't that complicated in the end.

...and even squabbles with friends and evacuating to avoid the hurricane can't change these thoughts and feelings. (And btw...thanks to my guardian angels for helping me get back to SF so quickly and easily.)

mercury in retrograde for a gemini

July 29, 2006

Tough days, Mercury in retrograde and love...
Category: Life

Mercury in retrograde usually sucks..and this month it did, except for the last couple of days. Everything came crashing down..but what did Cecile say "out of the mud a lotus grows"

While Mercury (the planet ruling communciation) screws up all communication devices (notice how myspace was crazy this month), did your computer crash, cell phone act up? It also wrecks travel plans and really makes absolutely NOTHING go smoothly or as planned. But on the good side it forces you to SLOW down and reflect. It also brings up things from the past that need to be dealt with or that are needed to help you move forward. Well, this last few days it has brought old friends, acquaintances and yes, crushes back into my life. Just when I thought I was going to give up, I was blanketed in love.

There is a lot of evil in this world. We battle it every day. The only way to overcome this is love. Love all the time, everyday. Even if it hurts. Forgive your enemies, understand differences in people, upbringings, cultures..respect even if you dont understand.

Have you ever had a bad day and then someone says or does something and it makes it worse? They didn't know you had a rough morning. What about the person that smiles or gives you a compliment or helps you out...so much better. Point is we dont know what is going on with everyone around you. Someone may have died. Or said something hurtful. Or broke someones heart. Or maybe they just couldn't find matching socks. We're in a delicate balance. We have to share our good days and pick each other up.

Love. Love is always the answer. And it hurts. The more we love the deeper we feel pain. Love doesn't mean be "in love" all the time either. Honesty.. have to always be honest first. And love with what you have. If someone is in love with you and you aren't in love with them, love them back but be honest. If you drag it out it will hurt more later. Understand their pain. Every one has had their heart broken.

Imagine if everyone communicated what they were feeling. I wonder where it became right to hide your feelings. Corporate America is a perfect example. Its not okay to cry or express emotion. What is that crap? We aren't computers. Emotion is what makes us live human beings..not cold machines. The more you keep down the harder you become. Sure you feel less pain but you give up the ability to feel love. I imagine heaven as feeling constant love. And there can even be love in conflict. Don't you fight with the people you love most?

So as I go on my rant, I am realizing I've made it through this month in one piece (barely)..and mostly because of love - the unconditional love from family (and even if you don't have a great relationship with them, deep down they still love you, so get over and call them..unless of course you have that rare evil psycho killer in your family, but I really doubt it); love from your friends putting aside their tragedies and obstacles to get you drunk and take you shopping; love from past crushes to make you remember there are great times and great people out there and that you do make impressions on others lives; and even love from those who have broken your heart, because they are truly sorry and just because it didn't work out it doesn't mean they don't love you.

So take what you may from what I have written and have a fantastic day. Smile at someone, open a door, say thank you, say it's okay, say I'm sorry. You may just help someone get through a day they thought wasn't possible to live through.

cancer at three

Alana with Cancer and a Poem

As many of you know my 3 year old niece was diagnosed with cancer - Ewing's Sarcoma a rare bone cancer. It was caught it fairly early due to her mom's persistence, some luck and a few great doctors. Alana has one tumor on her tibia that luckily misses both growth plates. Her treatment is going to be rough. She will have 48 weeks of chemotherapy. Every third friday she will be admitted to the hospital for stays of 2 or 5 days. After 12 weeks of treatment she will undergo surgery to remove the tumor on her tibia. 36 weeks of chemo and possibly radiation will follow. Alana is in for a rough year.

But through all this everyone is being strong and supportive and saying lots of prayers. Her mom put this poem up on Alana's carepages website and I thought it was simple, but powerful...so enjoy and keep praying! (And I don't know who the author is, so I apologize to him or her!)

IF I KNEW

If I knew it would be the last time
that Id see you fall asleep,
I would tuck you in more tightly
and pray the Lord, your soul to keep.

If I knew it would be the last time
that I see you walk out the door,
I would give you a hug and kiss
and call you back for one more.

If I knew it would be the last time
Id hear your voice lifted up in praise,
I would videotape each action and word,
so I could play them back day after day.

If I knew it would be the last time
I could spare an extra minute,
to stop and say I love you,
instead of assuming you would KNOW I do.

If I knew it would be the last time
I would be there to share your day,
well Im sure youll have so many more,
so I can let just this one slip away.

For surely theres always tomorrow
to make up for an oversight,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

There will always be another day
to say I love you,
and we always get a second chance
to make everything just right.

But just in case I might be wrong,
and today is all I get,
Id like to say how much I love you
and I hope we never forget.

Tomorrow is not promised to anyone,
young or old alike,
and today may be the last chance
you get to hold your loved one tight.
So if youre waiting for tomorrow,
why not do it today?
For if tomorrow never comes,
youll surely regret the day.

That you didnt take that extra time
for a smile, a hug or a kiss,
and you were too busy to grant someone,
what turned out to be their one last wish.

So hold your loved ones close today,
and whisper in their ear,
tell them how much you love them,
and that youll always hold them dear.

Take time to say Im sorry,
Please forgive me, thank you, or Its O.K.,
and if tomorrow never comes,
youll have no regrets about today.

star friendship

Star Friendship...
Category: Romance and Relationships

Star Friendship - Friedrich Nietzsche

We were friends and have become estranged. But this was right, and we do not want to conceal and obscure it from ourselves as if we had reason to feel ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its goal and course; our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did -- and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had one goal. But then the almighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones, and perhaps we shall never see each other again; perhaps we shall meet again but fail to recognize each other: our exposure to different seas and suns has changed us. That we have to become estranged is the law above us; by the same token we should also become more venerable for each other -- and the memory of our former friendship more sacred. There is probably a tremendous but invisble stellar orbit in which our very different ways and goals may be included as small parts of this path; let us rise up to this thought. But our life is too short and our power of vision too small for us to be more than friends in the sense of this sublime possiblity. -- Let us then believe in our star friendship even if we should be compelled to be earth enemies.

quotes to live by

Inspirational Quotes...
Category: Life

"People are illogical, unreasonable and self-centered. Love them anyway.
If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
If you are successful, you win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
The biggest persons with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest persons with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
People really need help, but may attack you if you do help them. Help them anyway.
Give the world the best you have and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.."
The Paradoxical Commandments! by Kent M. Keith

"The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers and cities,
But to know someone who thinks and feels with us,
And who, though distant, is close to us in spirit,
This makes the earth for us, an inhabited garden." Goethe

"Making miracles is hard work, most people give up before they happen." Sheryl Crow

"Gravitation cannot be held responsible for people falling in love." Albert Einstein

Many things in life will catch your eye but few will catch your heart... Pursue those Anon

"The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain." Kahlil Gibran

"The best things in life are not things." Author unknown

"Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and stars; you have a right to be here, and whether or not it is clear to you; no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should." 'Desiderata' author unknown, found in St. Pauls's church, Baltimore 1692

"Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year." Unknown

Stand facing the sun and the shadows fall behind you." from a school blackboard in Whitby

"It's OK to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation." Helen Keller

"Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup." Unknown

"The caterpillar does not understand the butterfly." Unknown

"The turtle only makes progress when it's neck is stuck out" Rollo May

"The longest day you'll ever have is only 24 hours long." Author unknown

"According to recognised aerotechnical tests, the bumblebee cannot fly because of the shape and weight of his body in relation to the total wing area. But the bumblebee doesn't know this, so he goes ahead and flies anyway." Anon

"Every day you wake up is a good day." Jennfier MacNeil

Invicitus, William Ernest Henley

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeoning of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishment the scroll.
I am the master of my fate;
I am the captain of my soul.

"Doors don't just close in life, they revolve" - Kim-Lan (Kim-hope I got that right!)