Really? Again?

Maybe this is why people complain about getting old. There is always some health issue. I remember meeting the 80 year old couple in Germany on the train to Munich. They still went skiing in the alps every year. They looked about 60. I was amazed. And even with my own health...I feel so much better when I am active. I get migraines if I am stuck behind a computer all day. I've been working out and getting to my"bikini body" of my early 20s! It's really exciting. I feel physically good. I can see the outline of my muscles. I am less stressed. Everyone balks at exercise so much but it really is a key ingredient to happiness. Anyway, I am getting off topic. Back to "Really, Again?"

My parents were here. I love spending time with them. Dad had follow up surgery to repair a hernia from his surgery last fall when then removed a carcinoid tumor from his intestines. And it's only been a bit over a year since my mom completed her chemo treatment for breast cancer (her second time with breast cancer by the way). Her reconstruction is still not quite done. I think she has one more surgery to go.

So two days ago I get a call. And it's that call you dread that starts with, "we wanted to make sure we told you what was going on..." My father had two biopsys on his nose. The results - one was pre-cancerous; the other cancerous. Really? I am kind of numb. I think I am just shocked. I thought they were almost to a place where they could enjoy retirement. I don't know any details. They don't either. Apparently they remove it and he gets a nose job. That's kind of funny actually. I'll find out more later.

But really? I am so thankful that I am healthy and that my daughter is healthy. And it's a good reminder to continue healthy patterns always...so I can be like that 80 year old couple..still spry and healthy. And I wear sunscreen every day...so hopefully that and my Italian skin will prevent future skin cancer cells from growing. I guess I'll figure out how I feel in time and when I know more details. It's just another day, right?

Hot Spa Mud

The other day I spent with an amazing, intelligent, beautiful friend. He doesn't always see himself that way, but I do. It was one of those days I could have sat with him and held his hand and not said a word, for hours, and just be. And be happy. Happiness is a strange thing. I appreciate it. I am. I be. It's been a long time since I felt happiness. No, my world is not perfect; it's not meant to be, but after the storms I've been through over the past few years...well I'm happy. Just to be me. Just to be where I'm at. Just to know the potential of my world. To feel free. And he has seen me through all of these years. And can look into my eyes and see ME. And I love him. And it's a strange and weird and funny thing. Because I don't have a NEED for him. I completely trust him. He knows my heart. And does his best to not break it. And I say it's funny because all I want is for him to be happy - regardless of if I am in his life or not. And that is so strange. I don't really understand it. But that's completely how I feel. I've come through so much and I have more hope and faith in the world than I did before. I believe. I believe. I believe in love.

And we had so many conversations. And I realized how much more we have in common than I ever even thought. And there also were topics that have gotten me thinking. A lot. And that have to do with love. I understand there is a chemical process that happens in our bodies when we are in love. I understand than men and women are hugely different in brain chemistry. I am not sure I believe that every single person has a relationship with a fictitious "perfect mate". I think we all grow through that. I had a 'list' once. Of all the things my perfect mate would be and have and do. I don't have that list anymore. Maybe at once time or another we all invent our perfect match. And he's right, no one can ever be that "perfect". But I do believe that you can have two people that come together that are perfect for each other. And love and relationships...they aren't just chemical. There IS MAGIC. There is faith and trust and something unexplainable. And when you meet someone, you can't boil it all down to facts. You can't check a bunch of things off a list. You have to allow the magic. And you have to believe in it. Because LOVE is HOPE and FAITH and definitely a little bit of MAGIC.

I have loved a lot in my life. I have had my heart broken more than once or twice. I've choosen poorly. I've choosen wisely with horrible timing. I've been hurt. And I have hurt ones who loved me and felt terrible guilt (which I finally resolved (well mostly anyway) with the fact there is someone out there better for them). But despite all that, I believe. And if I never meet the person that's right for me as a life companion and partner, then maybe it wasn't meant to be in this life. But I won't close my heart. I won't pretend that the magic is a lie. It's real. Just because you can't see it or hear it or taste it..it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And what's weird...is I can see it and hear it and taste it. You just have to be open to its presence.

So will we date? will we marry and have kids? will we remain friends? will we have a star friendship in the amazing sense Nietsche wrote about and part ways? I don't know. I read tarot cards...but they don't really tell the future. And it doesn't matter at all what happens in the future anyway. We only have right now in the greater sense of it all. All I know is that I love him. For everything he is and everything he is not. And because he has seen me through thick and thin and can still look in my eyes and see my soul. And he believes in me. And that I can be my crazy self in all my silly ways. And he sometimes treats me like I am fragile but knows that I am strong. And he loves me back. He loves me back anyway. And I all want for him is to be happy and for all his dreams to come true...and I pray that he does finally let the magic back into his life. It can be crazy painful. But it's so worth it. What is life without love? Isn't that why we are here afterall?

You are someone special. And I have our next outting planned. I promise, it will be magical. :)

I Confess

I am stating out loud. I was in a domestic violence situation. I am reeling. I don't know how that happened. I am smart and educated. I come from a good family with strong values. I go to church. And yet, I am a survivor.

I've been reading articles on DV. I can see it now looking back, still with some disbelief. The put downs. The amateur dramatics. That he never listened to me and it was always about him. That it was always someone else's fault; that it was mostly my fault. That he was damaged from his past, so that's the excuse. He blamed me for things that had nothing to do with me. He spent my money. I walked on eggshells...all the time. He told me I was a bad person. He supported me until I succeeded and then put me down instead of celebrating. He was possessive. He tried to cut me off from my support system. He used my child as a pawn. He dismissed my difficulties as unimportant. He perceived himself as a martyr. And then he punched a hole in the wall. And it was my fault. And then he slammed the door to keep me from leaving...almost on my hand. And he screamed at me in front of our little baby. And wouldn't stop. And that was my fault too. Because I had ruined his day. And then he trapped me in the house. And ripped a necklace off my neck with our baby in his arms (crying). And screamed at us in broad daylight in front of many. And wouldn't let us get away. But we did. And I finally called the cops. And I thought after a week of cooling off it would be okay. And then he exploded again. And again. And this time cut me off from sources of income and tried to cut me off from friends. But they didn't believe him. Because they had seen this all along. It was me. I was the only one who was surprised.

And now I am a survivor. I am healing. I am realizing and accepting. And I am scared. Because it could happen again. If I didn't see it the first time until it was too late, what about the next time. So I pray. And have Faith. And try to go back to believing most people are inherently good.

What's the point?

I am not going to lie. I think about ending it all every day lately.
What is the point of it all?
We are trapped.
In this place.
The people I love are far away and unreachable.
Trapped.
It is terrifying.
Claustrophobic.
Just let us go. go. go.go.go
I imagine my life
as it will be
but can i make it there?
i don't know.
i try and try
and stand under hot shower water for hours
waiting.
for something.
someone.
nothing.
every time i make a move i am slammed backwards even farther
back
back
is there something there
in the past
that i am missing
that is the key?
or am i just caught in a cloud of evil
and he won't let go
but i believe in light
i pray for light
i pray. pray. pray
on my knees and in tears
every day
i pray.
to live carefree
with hope
that is what is gone
the hope
it's missing
i can't see it anymore
because i am covered in so much drudge
and i wonder if i just relax if the ropes will fall away
but i fight. fight. fight.
and the ropes pull and tighten.
i have failed.
failed.
failed.
and it feels like my soul is in pieces.
everything but she has been taken
and i will not ever give her up
because despite everything
she won't know i think about ending it all everyday
i will get up
and brush my hair
my teeth
put on fresh clothes
make breakfast
and kiss her
and tell her i love her
because she still has a chance
i will give everything so she has a chance
so i know
i think about ending it every day
my soul is in pieces
i cry in the shadows when no one is looking
and i pray until there is nothing left
that the world is sunny
for her
because she is worth saving

Almost Christmas

I get glimpses of this family life I've always wanted, but then reality sets in. I wonder what other families are like. Does everyone pretend so it looks so nice and real from the outside? And does everyone get those glimpses? I wish I could make things work. I really do. But my soul will wither if I live in a pretend world. Merry Christmas to me. Merry Christmas to my baby. I wish I could give her everything.

eat pray love. think i'm on eat.

what did he say? if you get all that stuff out of your head the universe will rush in and fill you with God love...you have the potential to love everyone in the world.

but i so identify with the emptiness. the purposelessness (is that a word? it should be). i am strong. but sometimes i stop and wonder what the hell am i doing. am i on the right track? would i know it if i were? did i get off my path somehow? why can't i hear or see or smell or feel God's direction???

today i have decided that in one year, i will take a month off of work and take my two year old daughter to italy. that's crazy. only two years old? but it will be wonderful.

things are working out. they always do. i just sometimes don't want to hear the messages. they are hard and painful and gut-wrenching sometimes. but i know things will be better if i follow Your Word.

balance

life. motherhood. work. dreams. breathing.
it's hard to balance it all and still get a good night's sleep!
i finally understand i am who i am.
partnership is something i want.
but it will happen naturally with the right person.
we women are raised to play nice.
to accommodate.
to take it personally if we aren't liked.
but then we wonder what's wrong with us later on.
i hope i am a good role model for my daughter.
i hope she lets things happen naturally.
and doesn't try to force it.
or be forced.
we women are so critical of ourselves.
if we only stepped back and looked.
we are strong and smart and beautiful.
we do so much.
we keep the world moving and growing and caring.
i wish i had learned that earlier.
or known it instinctually.
but i am ready now.
for whatever comes.
to walk the path that is in synch with my destiny.