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I just read all of my blog posts from 2007 through 2012.  Wow. I see the movement forward, the hope, the breakthroughs, the setbacks, the spirit.  Seems the bulk of my life was learning about love. Loving others, how to allow others to love me, how to love myself, what love actually is…all the different types and meanings.  I cried and I laughed reading everything in one sitting.  I see the points in my life when I really tried to get it, thought I got it, and totally had it wrong; the times my spirit was wounded, when I allowed others to penetrate me with harmful intentions; the moments when I came up for air, when I saw the beauty, found the faith, believed.  I am happy I never gave up.  I realize the last couple of years I gave up on “anxiously awaiting for” love.  I got happy in my own skin. I accepted that my path could only be best guided by God. That everything that will be would be and it would be on its own time. Having a child, loving, learning.  I am learning more from her than I can teach. She is beautiful and free and spirited and pure love.  And I see how my daughter was meant to be – she was (and is) a gift to me, to teach me, to help me move forward.  And then out of nowhere, unexpectedly, without trying, I met him.  All I can say is “I get it now”. I don’t even know entirely what that means. But it’s peace. It’s safety. He loves me and loves me without guilt or manipulation, without hesitance, without walls. And I am LETTING him love me. I don’t know why. I have never done this before. I have always been in control, always directed relationships. And usually I am the one to leave first.  Almost unbelievably he loves every part of me, without judgment, without reserve. And if a fear or doubt creeps up, we talk about it. He is the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to see before I close my eyes. I’m not planning the future. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. That in itself is a pure miracle. But today is enough. That he exists is a enough. That my heart feels so full I can barely stand it. I’m me. He’s him. And it’s perfect. He tells me all the stories that are hard to tell. And I do the same. And it isn’t hard. We tell each other things no one else knows. We share things together that I want to keep just for us. We share our beliefs and values. We pray together. We sing. We have so much fun. We want all of each other – the good, the bad and the otherwise. Everything. This is a new kind of foundation being built. And he is sweet and strong and smart and makes me laugh.  He protects my heart. He makes me feel safe. And understands it and respects me and gives me space at the same time as surrounding me with love. It’s good that geography separates us as I think we would spontaneously combust.  All I know is I look forward to each time we talk or facetime or see each other. So I get it. All the hurt told in these past blogs, it was all worth it. Because it got me here.  It got me home; I am at home in his heart. And all the times I thought it was love – I see the difference now. I get it. I loved.  Those were love experiences. But it wasn’t this love. It wasn’t this all consuming, yet patient and gentle love. All those other times, it wasn’t love at a soul level – it wasn’t natural and like we have known each other for many lifetimes. This love is spiritual.  In the past, friendship love, yes. Lustful love, sometimes. Love that has served its purpose for a while, definitely.  But never the kind of love that changes your life. Not the kind of love that makes you get it. This is the love, the love that makes the whole journey, the heart ache and heartbreak and confusion and loneliness and defeat – it makes it all worth it.  And I know that life is fleeting.  This could all be over in a moment. But each second I get, I cherish, I am grateful for, and I will not waste.  Because this kind of love, most don’t get to experience it and if they do, it might only happen once.

His poem to me:

CHANGE

Do you have a dime, or just a few cents?
Emotional waves evolve from deep recesses in our own heads.

Change itself is no reason to swap complexed rents.
Swept up in a fresh whirlwind where hearts and minds feel the bends.

Dive a little deeper to unwrap the drama on this new horizon. Is this the road to self discovery and a bright tomorrow?

Waves roll in gently while exploring a new island.
The old world awaits news of the journey with its final sorrow.

Let go of the tail feathers as the hawk ascends to greater heights. For up over the clouds are fresh rainbows waiting to be discovered.

The road below may be bumpy and the cost may seem like last rites. Together we seek the journeys end where our fates are now hovered.

Take the new coins young traveler, they will not weigh you down. Secure a new mindset of hope and emotional longevity.

Find the peace that comes from winning our triple crown. Restless sleep is a small price for fresh beginnings with a new identity.
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And now I hate him. With a seething hateful pain I have never experienced before. I guess when love is so great and then falls, it turns into its equal opposite. Because he took advantage of me, ignored me, took me for granted, violated me in the worst ways possible. Because I opened fully. Like I never have before. And now I hate him. Because I trusted him with my heart, mind, body and soul. And he systematically broke each one.  And even worse, refuses to be accountable. Because he is that selfish.