Hot Spa Mud

The other day I spent with an amazing, intelligent, beautiful friend. He doesn't always see himself that way, but I do. It was one of those days I could have sat with him and held his hand and not said a word, for hours, and just be. And be happy. Happiness is a strange thing. I appreciate it. I am. I be. It's been a long time since I felt happiness. No, my world is not perfect; it's not meant to be, but after the storms I've been through over the past few years...well I'm happy. Just to be me. Just to be where I'm at. Just to know the potential of my world. To feel free. And he has seen me through all of these years. And can look into my eyes and see ME. And I love him. And it's a strange and weird and funny thing. Because I don't have a NEED for him. I completely trust him. He knows my heart. And does his best to not break it. And I say it's funny because all I want is for him to be happy - regardless of if I am in his life or not. And that is so strange. I don't really understand it. But that's completely how I feel. I've come through so much and I have more hope and faith in the world than I did before. I believe. I believe. I believe in love.

And we had so many conversations. And I realized how much more we have in common than I ever even thought. And there also were topics that have gotten me thinking. A lot. And that have to do with love. I understand there is a chemical process that happens in our bodies when we are in love. I understand than men and women are hugely different in brain chemistry. I am not sure I believe that every single person has a relationship with a fictitious "perfect mate". I think we all grow through that. I had a 'list' once. Of all the things my perfect mate would be and have and do. I don't have that list anymore. Maybe at once time or another we all invent our perfect match. And he's right, no one can ever be that "perfect". But I do believe that you can have two people that come together that are perfect for each other. And love and relationships...they aren't just chemical. There IS MAGIC. There is faith and trust and something unexplainable. And when you meet someone, you can't boil it all down to facts. You can't check a bunch of things off a list. You have to allow the magic. And you have to believe in it. Because LOVE is HOPE and FAITH and definitely a little bit of MAGIC.

I have loved a lot in my life. I have had my heart broken more than once or twice. I've choosen poorly. I've choosen wisely with horrible timing. I've been hurt. And I have hurt ones who loved me and felt terrible guilt (which I finally resolved (well mostly anyway) with the fact there is someone out there better for them). But despite all that, I believe. And if I never meet the person that's right for me as a life companion and partner, then maybe it wasn't meant to be in this life. But I won't close my heart. I won't pretend that the magic is a lie. It's real. Just because you can't see it or hear it or taste it..it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And what's weird...is I can see it and hear it and taste it. You just have to be open to its presence.

So will we date? will we marry and have kids? will we remain friends? will we have a star friendship in the amazing sense Nietsche wrote about and part ways? I don't know. I read tarot cards...but they don't really tell the future. And it doesn't matter at all what happens in the future anyway. We only have right now in the greater sense of it all. All I know is that I love him. For everything he is and everything he is not. And because he has seen me through thick and thin and can still look in my eyes and see my soul. And he believes in me. And that I can be my crazy self in all my silly ways. And he sometimes treats me like I am fragile but knows that I am strong. And he loves me back. He loves me back anyway. And I all want for him is to be happy and for all his dreams to come true...and I pray that he does finally let the magic back into his life. It can be crazy painful. But it's so worth it. What is life without love? Isn't that why we are here afterall?

You are someone special. And I have our next outting planned. I promise, it will be magical. :)