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I just read all of my blog posts from 2007 through 2012.  Wow. I see the movement forward, the hope, the breakthroughs, the setbacks, the spirit.  Seems the bulk of my life was learning about love. Loving others, how to allow others to love me, how to love myself, what love actually is…all the different types and meanings.  I cried and I laughed reading everything in one sitting.  I see the points in my life when I really tried to get it, thought I got it, and totally had it wrong; the times my spirit was wounded, when I allowed others to penetrate me with harmful intentions; the moments when I came up for air, when I saw the beauty, found the faith, believed.  I am happy I never gave up.  I realize the last couple of years I gave up on “anxiously awaiting for” love.  I got happy in my own skin. I accepted that my path could only be best guided by God. That everything that will be would be and it would be on its own time. Having a child, loving, learning.  I am learning more from her than I can teach. She is beautiful and free and spirited and pure love.  And I see how my daughter was meant to be – she was (and is) a gift to me, to teach me, to help me move forward.  And then out of nowhere, unexpectedly, without trying, I met him.  All I can say is “I get it now”. I don’t even know entirely what that means. But it’s peace. It’s safety. He loves me and loves me without guilt or manipulation, without hesitance, without walls. And I am LETTING him love me. I don’t know why. I have never done this before. I have always been in control, always directed relationships. And usually I am the one to leave first.  Almost unbelievably he loves every part of me, without judgment, without reserve. And if a fear or doubt creeps up, we talk about it. He is the first person I want to talk to in the morning and the last person I want to see before I close my eyes. I’m not planning the future. I don’t know what tomorrow will hold. That in itself is a pure miracle. But today is enough. That he exists is a enough. That my heart feels so full I can barely stand it. I’m me. He’s him. And it’s perfect. He tells me all the stories that are hard to tell. And I do the same. And it isn’t hard. We tell each other things no one else knows. We share things together that I want to keep just for us. We share our beliefs and values. We pray together. We sing. We have so much fun. We want all of each other – the good, the bad and the otherwise. Everything. This is a new kind of foundation being built. And he is sweet and strong and smart and makes me laugh.  He protects my heart. He makes me feel safe. And understands it and respects me and gives me space at the same time as surrounding me with love. It’s good that geography separates us as I think we would spontaneously combust.  All I know is I look forward to each time we talk or facetime or see each other. So I get it. All the hurt told in these past blogs, it was all worth it. Because it got me here.  It got me home; I am at home in his heart. And all the times I thought it was love – I see the difference now. I get it. I loved.  Those were love experiences. But it wasn’t this love. It wasn’t this all consuming, yet patient and gentle love. All those other times, it wasn’t love at a soul level – it wasn’t natural and like we have known each other for many lifetimes. This love is spiritual.  In the past, friendship love, yes. Lustful love, sometimes. Love that has served its purpose for a while, definitely.  But never the kind of love that changes your life. Not the kind of love that makes you get it. This is the love, the love that makes the whole journey, the heart ache and heartbreak and confusion and loneliness and defeat – it makes it all worth it.  And I know that life is fleeting.  This could all be over in a moment. But each second I get, I cherish, I am grateful for, and I will not waste.  Because this kind of love, most don’t get to experience it and if they do, it might only happen once.

His poem to me:

CHANGE

Do you have a dime, or just a few cents?
Emotional waves evolve from deep recesses in our own heads.

Change itself is no reason to swap complexed rents.
Swept up in a fresh whirlwind where hearts and minds feel the bends.

Dive a little deeper to unwrap the drama on this new horizon. Is this the road to self discovery and a bright tomorrow?

Waves roll in gently while exploring a new island.
The old world awaits news of the journey with its final sorrow.

Let go of the tail feathers as the hawk ascends to greater heights. For up over the clouds are fresh rainbows waiting to be discovered.

The road below may be bumpy and the cost may seem like last rites. Together we seek the journeys end where our fates are now hovered.

Take the new coins young traveler, they will not weigh you down. Secure a new mindset of hope and emotional longevity.

Find the peace that comes from winning our triple crown. Restless sleep is a small price for fresh beginnings with a new identity.
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And now I hate him. With a seething hateful pain I have never experienced before. I guess when love is so great and then falls, it turns into its equal opposite. Because he took advantage of me, ignored me, took me for granted, violated me in the worst ways possible. Because I opened fully. Like I never have before. And now I hate him. Because I trusted him with my heart, mind, body and soul. And he systematically broke each one.  And even worse, refuses to be accountable. Because he is that selfish.

Politics, P*$$y, Real Men and Trump

I have to say something. I really try to stay out of politics, but this is personal now. Most know I am generally conservative. I am registered Independent. I do not like big government. Most organizations the government runs overspend and are wasteful. I do think you should be drug tested to get welfare. I hate paying so much in tax - my paycheck to others may look like I am part of the upper percentages, but I live mostly paycheck to paycheck as a signal mom. I personally could never go through an abortion - but I cannot make that decision for someone else, nor should the government; that is between her and God. Who am I to judge? I believe in maintaining a strong military, spending money to make sure they have the equipment needed to protect them, have the services to help when they are injured and come home, even with PTSD; but war and violence should always be the last resort. I believe money should be pumped into education. Teachers should be paid well. Homework should be lessened and art, music, language, sciences, athletics should be expanded and experienced.  And we should have more vocational training schools for those that do not want or need to go to college - so those students still learn viable skills that can help land them a job.  Teachers should be allowed to help raise our kids. And parents shouldn't leave the parenting all to the teachers.  Most crime starts out small and out of desperation - having a good, free (public) education will go a long way to lower crime over time. I believe this country is built on small businesses. They are the ones that need the tax cuts and advantages. Large multinational corporations, well greed is human nature unfortunately.... when you are separated by too many levels from the people actually doing the work and you forget to take care of your community, your employees, our environment - it hurts us all. Good corporate leaders take these things seriously, but many lose sight. I do not know how we combat this, but it seems large corporations with hefty profit margins are getting more government benefits than small businesses and that needs to change. We are killing our Earth; technology has advanced so much and continues to advance, there is no reason we should be this wasteful, dumping and polluting. It is time to embrace this change. To "big business" it costs too much - but what are we leaving to our children and grandchildren - figure it out.  And healthcare..... oh Obamacare has royally screwed insurance up; the people creating it didn't understand how insurance companies stay solvent - using averages, actuarial science and time.  While I appreciate what Obamacare was trying to do for the "uninsurable", in reality it has nearly tanked everything. How to fix it? I do not know. We may already be on our way to a complete single payer system which if created by the same yahoos behind Obamacare will drown our country in debt. Funny, I think if we look at the root of the problem, we can make our country healthier over time - funding our schools and providing healthy, local, sustainable food options (stop selling soda and chips and pizza everyday!), bring back a real recess for kids to be active. And remember those giant corporations? Some of them pollute our earth, getting government help and produce cheap, "fake", affordable processed food. When will we stop that? Fruits and veggies should be the least expensive things to buy. Let's get our kids healthy and teach them to stay healthy. And maybe the next generation won't be taxing our healthcare system so much.

So there are my thoughts on politics. Why did I feel the need to say all that...because of what comes next..

As a survivor of sexual assault, I cannot vote for a man who has definitely disrespected women, likely assaulted women, and through his words given permission to other men to do the same.  This is RAPE CULTURE.  If a man who promotes rape culture is allowed to be and rewarded with the ultimate title of PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES, what message are we sending to the young men of this country? Not to mention his inability to accept blame and responsibility and his propensity to make quick triggered decisions without the facts and fight (not really sure I want him having access to detonate our nuclear weapons).

I am not "with Hillary".  Not a fan and was not planning on voting for her. She has plenty of skeletons too. Someone recently said, "Would you rather vote for an asshole (Trump) or a crook (Hillary)?" I have thought about this - sexual assault IS a crime. Trump is a crook too.  And I was asked - "Hillary will be terrible for my business, don't vote for her" - and then I thought about it; would I choose your business or the safety and future world for my daughter? I will always choose my daughter.

Another said, "when I heard Trump explain it as 'locker talk' I understood and I think most men do.  We all say stupid stuff like this when we are with the guys like "I would totally f*#k her" and such." When I confronted him saying even that is wrong and disrespectful, he responded with, "You can't cut all our balls off and still expect us to be real men."

Real men.

Any man that speaks lewdly about women is NOT a real man. And in company of other men, if you feel like you have to peacock around and disrespect women to "fit in" or feel like a "real man" - to those I say you are a boy. Get some confidence. Talk about work or sports or hunting. And stand up for the women in your life. Imagine it is your wife or daughter or mother they are speaking about.

And know this - if you say something disrespectful or lewd about a women in the presence of others, even as a joke, there likely is a man or boy there listening, looking up to you, taking what you say seriously, and being influenced by those words.  You are are inadvertently giving permission for that other man to speak the same way and possibly act on those words. This is rape culture. And what if they act out and "just kiss her" (even when she says no), "just grab her pussy" (without her permission and even when she says no), or "just rapes her when she is drunk and passed out and pushed behind a dumpster at Stanford". And then how do you feel when that woman is your sister, daughter, niece?  Do you still think its just "boys being boys". Do you still think being a "real man" and "having balls" means trash talking or sex talking about women to your guy friends? Is it still worth it and do you still feel cool about telling your friends how you want to f*%k her, grab her, do X to her?

I do not want a "real man" if that is what it means. And I think most women would agree.

Real men respect women.  Real men stand up and stop rape culture. Real men hold assholes accountable. Real men teach other men it is not okay to say such things about women.  Real men protect the women in their lives.  It is time for this type of real man to stand up and teach the youth of our country what being a real man really is....and that does not involve talking about or actually grabby pussy.

Oh and back on politics - I will not be voting for Trump.

Too long so long

The time was too long
The separation too far
I needed a definite
An answer you could not give.
Had I waited longer
when the answer was not forced
would it have been any different?
Or did I know the answer all along?
Waiting would have only prolonged the inevitable
maximized the hurt.
Or would the answer have been different?
Happy
Good
Love
I was too afraid to wait.
Frivolous questions
because I will never know.
And it is too late to go back
Impossible to move forward
together
So we remain separated
Time too long now forever
Separation too far now infinite
Memories and long ago dreams hold your place
But I miss you
Miss you with trick playing 'what could have beens'
Miss you with a 'slightly' broken heart
Wondering
If I waited, would you have completely crushed it?
Or been the one to make it whole and unbroken?
I miss you.
But this unknowing is worse.
So I try to accept.
That's all that I can do.
Hold on
to just me.
This just is.
It just is.
This is just the way it is meant to be.

Potty Training

So I don't forget when my baby is a Mommy someday and calls to ask, "Was I hard to potty train?"

18 months - shows interest in potty training. uses potty consistantly for two days!!! then decides she hates it and will not go near it.

Try #2 - 2.5 years old. Four days in and it's not going well. Then Dad won't participate and it all falls apart.

Try #3 - March 2012. 2yrs 8mo old. The setup: "When this bag of diapers is gone, Mommy is NOT buying anymore. Do you know what that means?" Response: "I get to wear panties!!"
- Day One, Friday evening - only 2 hours but stayed dry until diaper went on for bed.
- Day Two, sat on potty but no luck. Errands. Went to Target. Tried to sit you on potty but you screamed and arched your back so I couldn't get you on toilet. We leave bathroom. 5 minutes later. Pee all over the floor of Target; later that evening at Safeway....you pick up glass jar of applesauce and drop it. It spills all over the floor. Call over someone to clean it up. You pee all over the floor next to the applesauce as they arrive.
- Day Three, again, lots of sitting on the potty with no action. Church. You pee. I smell poop. We run to bathroom and save the panties, barely. You sit on potty for 10 minutes. We go back to pew. You pee all over the floor. We drive to Daddy's. You are sitting on my lap while we wait. You pee on my lap.
-Day Four - at Daddy's so I have no idea what happened. I heard you pooped on his couch.
-Day Five - at school! Only one accident...you sit on your teacher's lap while she helps you with your socks and shoes and you pee on her.
-Day Six - School and Daddy's. I found out Daddy cheated and put you in diapers.
-Day Seven-Preschool isn't really sure you are ready to be potty training. You had two accidents. Your friend's mommy babysits that night and sits you on the potty and won't let you play until you pee. 30 minutes later, you pee in the potty!!! YAAAY!!!
-Day Seven - you realize you get the potty dance, candy, money, movies and presents when you pee in the potty. So you sit on the potty. A LOT. Until you realize you only get that stuff when you actually pee. You successfully pee in potty twice. You poop in your nap diaper. You have one accident, but you said you had to pee, we just didn't get there fast enough.
-Day Eight - at your grandparents. They say you did well, had two accidents.
-Day Nine - successfully pee in the potty twice in morning! Poop in your nap diaper. Have two accidents at friends house.

We will see what tomorrow brings. This is exhausting!!!

Are we really friends?

Are we really friends? I am one of those people who knows everyone. And everyone knows me. I am the one everyone comes to with their problems and listen openly and let them cry on my shoulder. But are we really friends? What does that mean? Friendship. I am examining my role. For the third time in my life, lies have been told about me. Lies that greatly affected my life. That no one would reveal. And only later, much much later, are the lies revealed.. And by then the truth doesn't matter because the damage has been done. The truth does matter. It always matters. And it does get out. I try to look at these situations as God trying to get me onto a different path. It's the worst feeling in the world, being betrayed by a "friend". And then being betrayed by sometimes many friends because NO ONE will tell you what is going on. And so I suffer through the pain and find a new life but I always wonder what happened. Inevitably I find out. And I find out the whole thing was based on a lie. Three times. It has happened now three times. And it still hurts as much as the first.

1. High School. My best friend breaks up with her boyfriend while at my house and never speaks to me again. Mutual friends of ours look at me with disgust. She shows up at my 18th birthday party. She wasn't invited. And gets upset because she doesn't like one of my friends who is there, and how dare I invite that friend and make her feel uncomfortable. Again, she wasn't invited. And then others tell me I am being unreasonable after "what I did" and I leave my own birthday party. Five years later I find out someone said I slept with the boyfriend, the one that she had broken up with at my house. I still don't know who would tell such a lie. Funny. I was a virgin. I never even kissed the guy. But my senior year was really hard because of that lie. The friends I thought I had, well, they weren't my friends. NO ONE told me. If someone had, it could have been cleared up in a matter of minutes.

So again, are we really friends?

2. College. A friend breaks up with his girlfriend. I am seeing the love of my life from college, who happens to be his roommate and best friend. All of a sudden he starts telling lies so the guy I am with won't see me anymore. To this day I don't know what was said. My guy and I eventually started seeing each other in secret so his roommate wouldn't find out, but there was still some sort of strangeness. Like he didn't fully trust me. To this day I still don't know what it was about. But years later, another friend of mine met my college love. We all were friends. He knew how upset I was about whatever lies had been told. He (of his own desire) talked with my college love and everything was fine. I still don't know what the lies were. But I thank god for the friend who stood up for me and talked with my college love. But this was three years later.

3. A shorter time period. I am friends and professional collegues with a brilliant mind. We engage in amazing conversations and are both excited about the future. My ex destroys my life and I have to get a restaining order. My whole world is spinning. And somehow my friend just disappears and doesn't say why after so many, what I thought were intimate talks. Today I found out he thinks I am a crazy girl in love with him. Today I found out he talks with my ex. I don't know all the lies that were told but I know where the few I have heard came from. And there is nothing I can do about it. And I am sad. But I don't really want to do anything about it either.

Because I wonder, in all of these situations, if anyone really cared about me...wouldn't they come to me to hear my side of the story? Or to verify the truth vs. lies? So it sucks I had to have some hard knocks because of lies, but these people obviously weren't my friends to begin with. I guess I was just being used. And it brings me back to the question of what is a friend?

And now that this has happened a third time. And I am sad and hurt and confused. I want to blame everyone else. But I have to look at myself. Am I doing something to enable this? All I have ever wanted is to bring light and love to this world. I am curious and passionate and I want to help others.

And maybe that is the problem. Maybe I care too much. Maybe these people I think are friends are really just clients or co-workers or professionals whom I hire to do a job. Maybe these are just passers by and acquaintances. Maybe they just need something and know I can give it and don't ask for payment..in the name of being friends. I think of all the money I have donated to my "friends'" causes. And how they do not donate to mine. I think of the important moments in my life..like when I had a big role in a play...who actually came to see me and support me? And in my business, who actually refers customers to me? And maybe those guys..they are just friends because they hope to get some action. I don't know.

Maybe I am too excited. Too open. Too passionate. Too optimistic. Too faith-filled. I just see the potential in people. And I love them. I open my heart and I love them. Even when they don't love back. Even when they tell lies. Even when they don't support my dreams and efforts. And maybe I like feeling needed.

And there are a few good ones. And maybe I haven't cherished them enough. That list is so so tiny. I laugh at facebook...how much time I have wasted on there. No one really cares. I could delete 95% of those friends and they probably wouldn't notice I deleted them.

From the online Webster's Dictionary: One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society and welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant.

Well, I guess that leaves interpretation wide open, doesn't it?

Really? Again?

Maybe this is why people complain about getting old. There is always some health issue. I remember meeting the 80 year old couple in Germany on the train to Munich. They still went skiing in the alps every year. They looked about 60. I was amazed. And even with my own health...I feel so much better when I am active. I get migraines if I am stuck behind a computer all day. I've been working out and getting to my"bikini body" of my early 20s! It's really exciting. I feel physically good. I can see the outline of my muscles. I am less stressed. Everyone balks at exercise so much but it really is a key ingredient to happiness. Anyway, I am getting off topic. Back to "Really, Again?"

My parents were here. I love spending time with them. Dad had follow up surgery to repair a hernia from his surgery last fall when then removed a carcinoid tumor from his intestines. And it's only been a bit over a year since my mom completed her chemo treatment for breast cancer (her second time with breast cancer by the way). Her reconstruction is still not quite done. I think she has one more surgery to go.

So two days ago I get a call. And it's that call you dread that starts with, "we wanted to make sure we told you what was going on..." My father had two biopsys on his nose. The results - one was pre-cancerous; the other cancerous. Really? I am kind of numb. I think I am just shocked. I thought they were almost to a place where they could enjoy retirement. I don't know any details. They don't either. Apparently they remove it and he gets a nose job. That's kind of funny actually. I'll find out more later.

But really? I am so thankful that I am healthy and that my daughter is healthy. And it's a good reminder to continue healthy patterns always...so I can be like that 80 year old couple..still spry and healthy. And I wear sunscreen every day...so hopefully that and my Italian skin will prevent future skin cancer cells from growing. I guess I'll figure out how I feel in time and when I know more details. It's just another day, right?

Hot Spa Mud

The other day I spent with an amazing, intelligent, beautiful friend. He doesn't always see himself that way, but I do. It was one of those days I could have sat with him and held his hand and not said a word, for hours, and just be. And be happy. Happiness is a strange thing. I appreciate it. I am. I be. It's been a long time since I felt happiness. No, my world is not perfect; it's not meant to be, but after the storms I've been through over the past few years...well I'm happy. Just to be me. Just to be where I'm at. Just to know the potential of my world. To feel free. And he has seen me through all of these years. And can look into my eyes and see ME. And I love him. And it's a strange and weird and funny thing. Because I don't have a NEED for him. I completely trust him. He knows my heart. And does his best to not break it. And I say it's funny because all I want is for him to be happy - regardless of if I am in his life or not. And that is so strange. I don't really understand it. But that's completely how I feel. I've come through so much and I have more hope and faith in the world than I did before. I believe. I believe. I believe in love.

And we had so many conversations. And I realized how much more we have in common than I ever even thought. And there also were topics that have gotten me thinking. A lot. And that have to do with love. I understand there is a chemical process that happens in our bodies when we are in love. I understand than men and women are hugely different in brain chemistry. I am not sure I believe that every single person has a relationship with a fictitious "perfect mate". I think we all grow through that. I had a 'list' once. Of all the things my perfect mate would be and have and do. I don't have that list anymore. Maybe at once time or another we all invent our perfect match. And he's right, no one can ever be that "perfect". But I do believe that you can have two people that come together that are perfect for each other. And love and relationships...they aren't just chemical. There IS MAGIC. There is faith and trust and something unexplainable. And when you meet someone, you can't boil it all down to facts. You can't check a bunch of things off a list. You have to allow the magic. And you have to believe in it. Because LOVE is HOPE and FAITH and definitely a little bit of MAGIC.

I have loved a lot in my life. I have had my heart broken more than once or twice. I've choosen poorly. I've choosen wisely with horrible timing. I've been hurt. And I have hurt ones who loved me and felt terrible guilt (which I finally resolved (well mostly anyway) with the fact there is someone out there better for them). But despite all that, I believe. And if I never meet the person that's right for me as a life companion and partner, then maybe it wasn't meant to be in this life. But I won't close my heart. I won't pretend that the magic is a lie. It's real. Just because you can't see it or hear it or taste it..it doesn't mean it doesn't exist. And what's weird...is I can see it and hear it and taste it. You just have to be open to its presence.

So will we date? will we marry and have kids? will we remain friends? will we have a star friendship in the amazing sense Nietsche wrote about and part ways? I don't know. I read tarot cards...but they don't really tell the future. And it doesn't matter at all what happens in the future anyway. We only have right now in the greater sense of it all. All I know is that I love him. For everything he is and everything he is not. And because he has seen me through thick and thin and can still look in my eyes and see my soul. And he believes in me. And that I can be my crazy self in all my silly ways. And he sometimes treats me like I am fragile but knows that I am strong. And he loves me back. He loves me back anyway. And I all want for him is to be happy and for all his dreams to come true...and I pray that he does finally let the magic back into his life. It can be crazy painful. But it's so worth it. What is life without love? Isn't that why we are here afterall?

You are someone special. And I have our next outting planned. I promise, it will be magical. :)