Are we really friends?

Are we really friends? I am one of those people who knows everyone. And everyone knows me. I am the one everyone comes to with their problems and listen openly and let them cry on my shoulder. But are we really friends? What does that mean? Friendship. I am examining my role. For the third time in my life, lies have been told about me. Lies that greatly affected my life. That no one would reveal. And only later, much much later, are the lies revealed.. And by then the truth doesn't matter because the damage has been done. The truth does matter. It always matters. And it does get out. I try to look at these situations as God trying to get me onto a different path. It's the worst feeling in the world, being betrayed by a "friend". And then being betrayed by sometimes many friends because NO ONE will tell you what is going on. And so I suffer through the pain and find a new life but I always wonder what happened. Inevitably I find out. And I find out the whole thing was based on a lie. Three times. It has happened now three times. And it still hurts as much as the first.

1. High School. My best friend breaks up with her boyfriend while at my house and never speaks to me again. Mutual friends of ours look at me with disgust. She shows up at my 18th birthday party. She wasn't invited. And gets upset because she doesn't like one of my friends who is there, and how dare I invite that friend and make her feel uncomfortable. Again, she wasn't invited. And then others tell me I am being unreasonable after "what I did" and I leave my own birthday party. Five years later I find out someone said I slept with the boyfriend, the one that she had broken up with at my house. I still don't know who would tell such a lie. Funny. I was a virgin. I never even kissed the guy. But my senior year was really hard because of that lie. The friends I thought I had, well, they weren't my friends. NO ONE told me. If someone had, it could have been cleared up in a matter of minutes.

So again, are we really friends?

2. College. A friend breaks up with his girlfriend. I am seeing the love of my life from college, who happens to be his roommate and best friend. All of a sudden he starts telling lies so the guy I am with won't see me anymore. To this day I don't know what was said. My guy and I eventually started seeing each other in secret so his roommate wouldn't find out, but there was still some sort of strangeness. Like he didn't fully trust me. To this day I still don't know what it was about. But years later, another friend of mine met my college love. We all were friends. He knew how upset I was about whatever lies had been told. He (of his own desire) talked with my college love and everything was fine. I still don't know what the lies were. But I thank god for the friend who stood up for me and talked with my college love. But this was three years later.

3. A shorter time period. I am friends and professional collegues with a brilliant mind. We engage in amazing conversations and are both excited about the future. My ex destroys my life and I have to get a restaining order. My whole world is spinning. And somehow my friend just disappears and doesn't say why after so many, what I thought were intimate talks. Today I found out he thinks I am a crazy girl in love with him. Today I found out he talks with my ex. I don't know all the lies that were told but I know where the few I have heard came from. And there is nothing I can do about it. And I am sad. But I don't really want to do anything about it either.

Because I wonder, in all of these situations, if anyone really cared about me...wouldn't they come to me to hear my side of the story? Or to verify the truth vs. lies? So it sucks I had to have some hard knocks because of lies, but these people obviously weren't my friends to begin with. I guess I was just being used. And it brings me back to the question of what is a friend?

And now that this has happened a third time. And I am sad and hurt and confused. I want to blame everyone else. But I have to look at myself. Am I doing something to enable this? All I have ever wanted is to bring light and love to this world. I am curious and passionate and I want to help others.

And maybe that is the problem. Maybe I care too much. Maybe these people I think are friends are really just clients or co-workers or professionals whom I hire to do a job. Maybe these are just passers by and acquaintances. Maybe they just need something and know I can give it and don't ask for payment..in the name of being friends. I think of all the money I have donated to my "friends'" causes. And how they do not donate to mine. I think of the important moments in my life..like when I had a big role in a play...who actually came to see me and support me? And in my business, who actually refers customers to me? And maybe those guys..they are just friends because they hope to get some action. I don't know.

Maybe I am too excited. Too open. Too passionate. Too optimistic. Too faith-filled. I just see the potential in people. And I love them. I open my heart and I love them. Even when they don't love back. Even when they tell lies. Even when they don't support my dreams and efforts. And maybe I like feeling needed.

And there are a few good ones. And maybe I haven't cherished them enough. That list is so so tiny. I laugh at facebook...how much time I have wasted on there. No one really cares. I could delete 95% of those friends and they probably wouldn't notice I deleted them.

From the online Webster's Dictionary: One who entertains for another such sentiments of esteem, respect, and affection that he seeks his society and welfare; a wellwisher; an intimate associate; sometimes, an attendant.

Well, I guess that leaves interpretation wide open, doesn't it?