stormy seas
whitecaps scratch my soul
the lighthouse
the rock
gone.
seas batter
winds tear apart sails
and there is no respite
there is no stopping ground
there is no rest
and then i see
i am the rock
the rock is me
weathered
battered
but solid
scratched
chipped
but still whole
how easy it would be to rest in your harbor
but it cannot be so

perfect little one

innocent and trusting
no harm has ever come to her
i want to protect her
but know i can't forever
a little being
a little miracle
total light
to be loved
is wonderful
but to love
is pure happiness

can i learn from her
this simple secret
of love
i fear i will fail her
i've lost so much
i fight saddness
every day
but i try
i try to learn
her simple secret

and yet i've failed
and her life will be broken

how i wish i could
learn that simple secret
and give her the whole warmth
she deserves
she demands
she needs
to be whole

so maybe
she won't lose
her simple secret
when she's old enough
to remember

blahs

i am not creative today.
my emotional intensity is not full.
passion is the emotion that my body and soul thrives on.
but it is low today
so what will replace it?
hurt.
anger.
sadness.
i will fight those.
and try to find
love.
light.
warmth.
i will try to write something random.
paint a picture.
tell a story.
meditate.
pray.
eat chocolate.
i can't give in to the gloom.

hair doesn't matter

being of the facebook age, i see pictures of old high school and college buddies. and have reconnected with people that passed through my life...that, without all this technology, would have remained only in my memories.

most everyone is changed. those i had a crush on - fat, receding hairlines, etc. maybe i should have just kept them in my memories.

but when i look at these pictures and read about their lives, i see that same person i remember. that same youthful spirit with a full head of hair. and my thoughts of them do not change. in fact, i think my feelings are deepened as i wish them well and see them past the prime so to speak.

so there are all these new hair surgeries and plastic surgeries. oh where oh where is that fountain of youth. but it's inside. everyone has it. just because your skin gets wrinkly or your hairline starts heading south, it's still the same you. and if you see the same you, everybody else will too.

so i'm glad i see the story continued 10 or 15 or 20 or more years later of those flashes of youthful spirit in my head. it's inspiring. it's awe-some. live just keeps moving on.

secret obsessions and the world is spinning

do you ever know something in your gut.
a horrible thing.
so horrible it can't really be true.
but there is no way to really verify it without extreme measures.
and then what if you're wrong.
then you're just crazy.
psycho.
but if you are right.
do you really want to know?
the whole world would spin out of control.
and it would be painful.
but you'd know.
what would you do?
would you find out the truth for sure?
risking something that may be good.
cause then it would be tainted.
and you would be guilty.
or do you hold it in.
and ignore your gut feelings.
and drive yourself crazy wondering.
wondering, wondering...which slowly creeps into suspicion
and lack of trust
and faith
and belief

what do you do?

world changer

I wake up each morning determined to change the world and also have one hell of a good time.
Current mood: inspired

"I wake up each morning determined to change the world and also have one hell of a good time. Sometimes that makes planning the day a little difficult" - E.B.White

I saw this quote on the bottom of an email and loved it.

I have historically been a planner. Every detail of my life (of course plans never seem to go as they are supposed to... the best laid plans of mice and men oft go awry...)

So I've been planning less and going with the flow more.

Still have a long way to go to adopt that type of life and I'm sure I'll always have "planning" in my blood.

But wow, life sure is less stressful!!!

animal whisperer

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

child magnet, animal whisperer and insurance Current mood: curious I spent the weekend in Chicago at two of my greatest friends weddings. And today I am curious, nostalgic, questioning, reflecting. Being at their wedding was like being in another space and time. There was so much love. Love between them. Love supporting them. Love radiating back to us from them. And despite the occasional bumps, everything was perfect. I confirmed I am a child magnet. I love kids. Most times I'd rather play with the kids than have adult conversations. Maybe it's because their world is yet to be jaded. Or because they have such capacity to love and learn. But I don't think I do anything different than the average person. Or maybe I am just open to children. My mom is the same way. But no matter where I go..if there is a group and children are part of that group, we find each other. I find the same thing with animals. I remember being a little girl at my grandparents farm catching mice in the feed box with my granddaddy. And there was a pregnant cat there... we named her Moocher. By the end of a couple days, she wasn't your typical feral cat... she was a lover darting into the house. And volunteering for the Milo Foundation for a couple of years.. fostering animals, helping vaccinate them, helping them adjust to the world of humans... being around animals just feels right. So what does all this mean? I have no idea. I am together with an amazing man who I am completely in love with and who loves me. We're going to get married. I love kids. I want to have some (god willing). And I love the family I have around me and supporting me.. including Ramsey and Kielee, my dog and cat companions. And I'm so happy with my art right now too. I had my first "extra" gig (where I go my first SAG voucher.. only 2 more to go!). I met some great people. I am directing my first show. I am excited to continue acting and growing as an artist. I am blessed and amazed and grateful that what I do in this art world actually helps people heal and grow. I just realized I think the common thread to my art, children, animals and even doing someone's hair and makeup... I like to help people see the good and beauty and love I see in them. I like to help people see that everything is okay and obstacles can be overcome and that you are strong. So I'm babbling on, but I can't help feeling that I"m wasting my time schmoozing in the insurance industry. It just doesn't fit. But yet it allows me the financial stability to support my family and artistic endeavors. And in the moment of working with clients, who have also now become friends, I enjoy what I do. I enjoy teaching and helping people. But right now, when I wake up, I admit I'm not excited to go to work. Acting, the theatre, love, friends, family, animals, and insurance? I don't know. So I have no idea what is next. I wish someone could help guide me to opening up and to hearing messages clearly. I am slightly clarsentient... but I wish I were claraudiant too. I can't help feeling like there is a message right in front of me that I can't see or hear. I feel it so close. It's frustrating and fleeting. I know it has to do something with my purpose on earth and the common threads I am starting to see.. but I'm not sure where to go with it. But I'll keep trying to hear it. And maybe posting a blog will help bring me closer to the message I'm supposed to hear. Who knows. And maybe I'm just crazy. Maybe I'm just sentimental and coming down from the weekend festivities. Maybe I just need some sleep. But I do know I'm happy, I do feel I'm opening up spiritually and emotionally as a person. And who knows where this will take me....