Almost Christmas

I get glimpses of this family life I've always wanted, but then reality sets in. I wonder what other families are like. Does everyone pretend so it looks so nice and real from the outside? And does everyone get those glimpses? I wish I could make things work. I really do. But my soul will wither if I live in a pretend world. Merry Christmas to me. Merry Christmas to my baby. I wish I could give her everything.

eat pray love. think i'm on eat.

what did he say? if you get all that stuff out of your head the universe will rush in and fill you with God love...you have the potential to love everyone in the world.

but i so identify with the emptiness. the purposelessness (is that a word? it should be). i am strong. but sometimes i stop and wonder what the hell am i doing. am i on the right track? would i know it if i were? did i get off my path somehow? why can't i hear or see or smell or feel God's direction???

today i have decided that in one year, i will take a month off of work and take my two year old daughter to italy. that's crazy. only two years old? but it will be wonderful.

things are working out. they always do. i just sometimes don't want to hear the messages. they are hard and painful and gut-wrenching sometimes. but i know things will be better if i follow Your Word.

balance

life. motherhood. work. dreams. breathing.
it's hard to balance it all and still get a good night's sleep!
i finally understand i am who i am.
partnership is something i want.
but it will happen naturally with the right person.
we women are raised to play nice.
to accommodate.
to take it personally if we aren't liked.
but then we wonder what's wrong with us later on.
i hope i am a good role model for my daughter.
i hope she lets things happen naturally.
and doesn't try to force it.
or be forced.
we women are so critical of ourselves.
if we only stepped back and looked.
we are strong and smart and beautiful.
we do so much.
we keep the world moving and growing and caring.
i wish i had learned that earlier.
or known it instinctually.
but i am ready now.
for whatever comes.
to walk the path that is in synch with my destiny.

if everything burned up would i really care that much?

i don't know why this question popped into my head randomly tonight. but it did and so i must consider.

nope. wouldn't care that much. if it was just stuff.

health and family. those are the two things that couldn't burn up.

faith and love are the glue

that keeps me sane anyway.

but am i really sane? guess it's not for me to say. i'm just me.

the universe is throwing rocks at my head

the universe sends so many signs. the universe, god, eloihm, the light, jesus, mohammad, whatever you want to call him. and the signs are pointing to no more. time to move on. and there is no mistaking it. why would i stress out or get beat up for some other organization. not even my organization. i've learned a lot but now i'm getting grey hairs trying to help someone else keep their dream alive. it's not my dream. i have to get hit on the head a lot before i acknowledge signs. i really need to start paying attention a lot sooner.

i feel like i'm moving into a whole new life. a life that involves me as the real me. like i'm getting to know me...finally! it's exciting but there is so much emptiness. it's like you're cleaning out your closet and getting rid of all the things that tie you down - things that you don't need or really even like anymore. but it's scary to pull all those away..to clean house so to speak... cause all of a sudden its just you standing there in your underwear... if even that. and there is such a feeling of emptiness and lonliness. all those ugly, ill fitting clothes still made you feel warm..for a while. but everything's for a while anyway. to stand, naked. it's scary. but it leaves you open i suppose. open to the things that are perfectly fitted for you. things the universe will bring if you cast off all the bullshit. but it sure is scary as hell.

so what i've learned so far.... time to close the books on the current organization i'm slaving away for. time to recoop a bit. and then see what happens. i've cleaned the closet. "friends" and lovers have fallen away. but those who are true have shown their character and are strongly by my side and i theirs.

and i'm moody. sometimes i have energy but it isn't sustainable. then i am depressed and emotional. and i miss my sparkle. i want my sparkle back. but this time it will be sparkle that comes from the inside of me and radiates out. sparkle that originates from my connection with the greater whole. the universe. not the sparkle that i just painted on for a good night out.

oh what a rollercoaster ride. and really crazy scary. but it's worth it.

stormy seas
whitecaps scratch my soul
the lighthouse
the rock
gone.
seas batter
winds tear apart sails
and there is no respite
there is no stopping ground
there is no rest
and then i see
i am the rock
the rock is me
weathered
battered
but solid
scratched
chipped
but still whole
how easy it would be to rest in your harbor
but it cannot be so

perfect little one

innocent and trusting
no harm has ever come to her
i want to protect her
but know i can't forever
a little being
a little miracle
total light
to be loved
is wonderful
but to love
is pure happiness

can i learn from her
this simple secret
of love
i fear i will fail her
i've lost so much
i fight saddness
every day
but i try
i try to learn
her simple secret

and yet i've failed
and her life will be broken

how i wish i could
learn that simple secret
and give her the whole warmth
she deserves
she demands
she needs
to be whole

so maybe
she won't lose
her simple secret
when she's old enough
to remember