I Confess

I am stating out loud. I was in a domestic violence situation. I am reeling. I don't know how that happened. I am smart and educated. I come from a good family with strong values. I go to church. And yet, I am a survivor.

I've been reading articles on DV. I can see it now looking back, still with some disbelief. The put downs. The amateur dramatics. That he never listened to me and it was always about him. That it was always someone else's fault; that it was mostly my fault. That he was damaged from his past, so that's the excuse. He blamed me for things that had nothing to do with me. He spent my money. I walked on eggshells...all the time. He told me I was a bad person. He supported me until I succeeded and then put me down instead of celebrating. He was possessive. He tried to cut me off from my support system. He used my child as a pawn. He dismissed my difficulties as unimportant. He perceived himself as a martyr. And then he punched a hole in the wall. And it was my fault. And then he slammed the door to keep me from leaving...almost on my hand. And he screamed at me in front of our little baby. And wouldn't stop. And that was my fault too. Because I had ruined his day. And then he trapped me in the house. And ripped a necklace off my neck with our baby in his arms (crying). And screamed at us in broad daylight in front of many. And wouldn't let us get away. But we did. And I finally called the cops. And I thought after a week of cooling off it would be okay. And then he exploded again. And again. And this time cut me off from sources of income and tried to cut me off from friends. But they didn't believe him. Because they had seen this all along. It was me. I was the only one who was surprised.

And now I am a survivor. I am healing. I am realizing and accepting. And I am scared. Because it could happen again. If I didn't see it the first time until it was too late, what about the next time. So I pray. And have Faith. And try to go back to believing most people are inherently good.

What's the point?

I am not going to lie. I think about ending it all every day lately.
What is the point of it all?
We are trapped.
In this place.
The people I love are far away and unreachable.
Trapped.
It is terrifying.
Claustrophobic.
Just let us go. go. go.go.go
I imagine my life
as it will be
but can i make it there?
i don't know.
i try and try
and stand under hot shower water for hours
waiting.
for something.
someone.
nothing.
every time i make a move i am slammed backwards even farther
back
back
is there something there
in the past
that i am missing
that is the key?
or am i just caught in a cloud of evil
and he won't let go
but i believe in light
i pray for light
i pray. pray. pray
on my knees and in tears
every day
i pray.
to live carefree
with hope
that is what is gone
the hope
it's missing
i can't see it anymore
because i am covered in so much drudge
and i wonder if i just relax if the ropes will fall away
but i fight. fight. fight.
and the ropes pull and tighten.
i have failed.
failed.
failed.
and it feels like my soul is in pieces.
everything but she has been taken
and i will not ever give her up
because despite everything
she won't know i think about ending it all everyday
i will get up
and brush my hair
my teeth
put on fresh clothes
make breakfast
and kiss her
and tell her i love her
because she still has a chance
i will give everything so she has a chance
so i know
i think about ending it every day
my soul is in pieces
i cry in the shadows when no one is looking
and i pray until there is nothing left
that the world is sunny
for her
because she is worth saving