if everything burned up would i really care that much?

i don't know why this question popped into my head randomly tonight. but it did and so i must consider.

nope. wouldn't care that much. if it was just stuff.

health and family. those are the two things that couldn't burn up.

faith and love are the glue

that keeps me sane anyway.

but am i really sane? guess it's not for me to say. i'm just me.

the universe is throwing rocks at my head

the universe sends so many signs. the universe, god, eloihm, the light, jesus, mohammad, whatever you want to call him. and the signs are pointing to no more. time to move on. and there is no mistaking it. why would i stress out or get beat up for some other organization. not even my organization. i've learned a lot but now i'm getting grey hairs trying to help someone else keep their dream alive. it's not my dream. i have to get hit on the head a lot before i acknowledge signs. i really need to start paying attention a lot sooner.

i feel like i'm moving into a whole new life. a life that involves me as the real me. like i'm getting to know me...finally! it's exciting but there is so much emptiness. it's like you're cleaning out your closet and getting rid of all the things that tie you down - things that you don't need or really even like anymore. but it's scary to pull all those away..to clean house so to speak... cause all of a sudden its just you standing there in your underwear... if even that. and there is such a feeling of emptiness and lonliness. all those ugly, ill fitting clothes still made you feel warm..for a while. but everything's for a while anyway. to stand, naked. it's scary. but it leaves you open i suppose. open to the things that are perfectly fitted for you. things the universe will bring if you cast off all the bullshit. but it sure is scary as hell.

so what i've learned so far.... time to close the books on the current organization i'm slaving away for. time to recoop a bit. and then see what happens. i've cleaned the closet. "friends" and lovers have fallen away. but those who are true have shown their character and are strongly by my side and i theirs.

and i'm moody. sometimes i have energy but it isn't sustainable. then i am depressed and emotional. and i miss my sparkle. i want my sparkle back. but this time it will be sparkle that comes from the inside of me and radiates out. sparkle that originates from my connection with the greater whole. the universe. not the sparkle that i just painted on for a good night out.

oh what a rollercoaster ride. and really crazy scary. but it's worth it.